1. Remember when you were a kid and you’d watch the intro to “Little House on the Prairie” and it was so boring, but the only saving grace was watching the kid who played ‘Carrie’ wipe out as she ran down the hill (0:33 - 0:41)?

    I bet the twins who played Carrie FUCKING HATED that intro and still say it was the other one who shot that clip.

    Seriously, watch it NOW.
    Little House on the Prairie production team are a bunch of assholes.
    Why did they use that clip? The show isn’t a comedy and that kid fell and did a SHAME walk after she fell. NO SENSE. MASOCHISTS!


    ADDENDUM!!!!!
    I FOUND AN INTERVIEW (please mentally add [SIC] to every spelling error in the interview) AND I WAS RIGHT GODDAMNIT I’M SO MAD.


    RACHEL: What’s your earliest acting memory?
    I guess my earliest acting memory is when Robyn fell down the hill.

    ROBYN: Could you tell us about the fall in the opening sequence of “Little House on the Prairie”?

    I remember running down the hill & getting going to fast. I fell & then when I got up I remember my Mom was standing by the camera trying to get me to run again & I thought to myself “Nu uh, no way we’ll just walk”. I wouldn’t do it again & Rachel wouldn’t either, so since both takes had falls in them they decided to leave it that way. Who knows maybe that was the inspiration for America’s Funniest Home Video.

    http://zunshine.com/
    lginterview2002.html


  2. 14 Dec 2011   83 notes  
  3. Sinead blogs “Someone Come and Sex me”

                                            

    In the 7th grade, while friends were obsessed with NKOTB and Janet Jackson, I was obsessed with Sinead O’Connor.
    My parents friends bought her CD, I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got, hated it and gave it to me. I thank God that they did.
    I loved Sinead, I love Sinead. She was and is every thing I wished I could be at 12 yrs old and at 34 years old- a fearless storyteller, a ferocious voice.
    (I didn’t want to shave my head because my face wasn’t as pretty as hers, I had giant Harry Carray glasses, and I would have been shunned.)

    So this morning I read that Sinead posted a ‘singles’ ad on her website. It’s epic.
    Reminds me that even at 12, my instincts were good. She is indeed, ferocious.
    HERE IS THE PERSONAL AD. I DID NOT FIX HER TYPOS. THEY ONLY ADD TO THE URGENCY OF HER MESSAGE.

    From Sinead:
    My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that’s going to happen to me if I don’t take drastic action.
    Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it’s VERY depressing.

    So I’ve been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives.

    Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.

    He must be no younger than 44.

    Must be living in Ireland but I don’t care if he is from the planet Zog.
    Must not be named Brian or Nigel.

    Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous.

    Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.

    Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.

    I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.

    No hair gel.

    No hair dryer use.

    No hair dye

    Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.

    No after shave.

    Must be very ‘snuggly’. Not just wham-bam.

    Must be wham-bam.

    Has to like his mother.

    Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.

    Has to live in own place.

    I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana

    Applicants can apply through my secretary at vampyahslayah@yahoo.com

    UPDATE:
    I’ve been repeatedly asked will I ‘do anal sex’. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I ‘do anal’ and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if ‘doing anal’ wasn’t on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don’t like ‘the difficult brown’.. Don’t apply… I’ve had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too.

                                  
                           I love Sinead “I’d help Jesus burn down the Vatican” O’Connor.
    OR, AS MY 12 YR OLD SELF LIKED TO SAY, I LOVE HER TO THE POWER OF INFINITY

    ADDENDUM!!!!
    Sinead is on Twitter!
    *dead*
    Sinead is fearless and true and good.
    Everything I believe in.

    RT @howryeh Maybe Adam Clayton wudna turned me down if he’d known I wuda let him nail me in the stink tube.. Said the forlorn chantuese…


  4. 27 Aug 2011   178 notes  
  5. “If you’re going to hate me, hate me because sometimes I’ll hit the mall just to make eye contact with strangers and then come home and check ‘missed connections’”


  6. 07 Jul 2011   104 notes  
  7. Casey Anthony

    I’ve put on my Jessica Fletcher outfit and wig and I’m about to tell you my Casey Anthony theory:

    On nights when her parents wouldn’t babysit, Casey would chloroform Caylee so that she could go out and know that Caylee wouldn’t wake up.
    One night she OD’s Caylee.
    She’s in shock, she can’t believe what she’s done. She doesn’t dispose Caylee’s body because she’s in shock. When the body started to smell (soon after) she put duct tape on her mouth and nose to keep the smell in. Casey then put a heart sticker on the duct tape as an “I’m sorry”
    She thought she’d bury her in the yard, borrowed the shovel from the neighbor, but couldn’t do it.
    The whole thing is so fucking horrible.
    Jessica Fletcher wouldn’t say that, but she’d totally think it.



  8. 03 Jul 2011   61 notes  
  9. Michele Bachmann is lucky to live in an age where a woman can rise up the political ladder and prove herself to be just as dumb as a man.

                


  10. 02 Jul 2011   129 notes  
  11. “Putting a tattoo on your boob is like decorating a TV.”


  12. 01 Jul 2011   202 notes  
  13. Guys I liked better when they were fat.

    Okay, so one guy I liked better fat was Marc Jacobs, and  I’m freaking out a bit. When I google image search for fat Marc Jacobs, it’s REALLY hard to find a fat Marc Jacobs photo. It’s almost like it didn’t exist. I mean, I’ve just googled for 15 minutes straight and cannot find the ‘sweaty taking a bow on the runway’ photos. They used to be all over the place, because there was a time when he was only fat.
    image
    image
    I’m sure most people disagree with me. He is a fine looking skinny man, but fat Marc just seems so much nicer, skinny Marc is a bitch.

    The second guy I liked better fat is Karl Lagerfeld.
    THIS is the Karl I grew up with:
    imageimage
    image

    Goddamn I love Fat Karl.
    German fat Karl. I love him.
    Now we have this Karl:
    image

    WTF KARL! DO NOT WANT!!!

    The Third Guy is Drew Carey.
    I’m happy he’s happy and healthy…but I’m not reconciled with the fact that I will probably never (surgery?) see Fat Drew again.
    ADDENDUM: Just read that it wasn’t surgery and he no longer has diabetes, so I guess I can’t wish him fat again, I’ll just have to assimilate the new look into the ‘this is normal now’ file.

    image

    Okay, so just for good measure…
    My favorite fat guy gone skinny is Peter Jackson.
    Peter, looks like he ate Dominic Monaghan (far left):
    image

    And then lost the weight and became some half Jackson half Monaghan hybrid
    image
    This is cuter, but still the hair and… oh my god. honey? HONEY….
    image
    You look so much healthier as a thin man.
    And just think, maybe one day all of your Fat Peter photos will be difficult to google image search, just like old Fat Marc.


  14. 24 Oct 2010   90 notes  
  15. If I die ‘too young’ can one of you come to my funeral, hold up a map and start putting pins in it while yelling
    "Now you can go anywhere you want, Baby." like Cher did in MASK??

    Seriously guys, that movie only made 48mil, and I know it was the 80’s, but that seems so wrong. Mask is one of the greatest-ever.

    Also? I found this photo in a thread about MASK and a girl left the message,
    "Rocky is so dreamy"
    Say a prayer for girls like her tonight.


  16. 17 Sep 2010   21 notes  
  17. Venturing into ‘Mommyblogger’ territory

                            

    Look, I don’t give a shit if you are uncircumcised or circumcised. I’ve seen both, I don’t have a preference. What I do give a shit about are all of the reasons people give for circumcising their infant son when it isn’t a religious thing. They seem to say a lot of things other than  “I think it just looks better” And you know? If you want to cut a piece of your kid off because you think it looks better, it’s probably your prerogative… right? I don’t care and I don’t judge you. I just hate the following reasons people give for having it done. 1. It’s cleaner to have a circumcised penis. Do people really think their kid is going to be too dumb to pull back some skin and wash it in the shower, or do they cut the end of his dick off so he doesn’t have to wash it? Have these people never seen a vagina, or an ear? Oh my god, my asshole. I can’t see my asshole. Maybe I should remove my ass cheeks so I can keep it cleaner.  2. Everyone will make fun of my kid in the locker room if he has a foreskin. Penis inspectors? Really? If a kid is checking foreskins in the locker room, I’m pretty sure he’s an asshole. Teach your kid some assertiveness, support him and he’ll feel good about who he is and shithead kids that were taught by some shithead adult to mock other people’s penises will not bother him. I mean, what if your kid is born missing an eye, or a leg, or a thumb? What will happen to them in the locker room then- what will you do then? 3. You have a higher risk of contracting HIV or penile cancer with a foreskin. Holy shit, great idea. Let’s cut off the tits of every woman when she gets them so she cannot get breast cancer.
    /rant off.


  18. 16 Aug 2010   54 notes  
  19. I was an overprotected daughter and in Jr High School there were 2 boys (Terry and Mike) who would spit “ANOREXIC BITCH!” at me and grab their crotches as I walked by in my big glasses and Benetton sweatshirt.It was all very VERY Weiner Dog/Welcome to The Dollhouse. I weighed 70 pounds and was 5’4”. I thought these guys were going to torment me and drag me into the gym bathroom, and like, pull up my shirt to expose my boy sized boobs if I got to close to them. But, I was fascinated by them, “How could kids be THAT BAD?!” One day in drama class one of them grabbed my crotch and I told everyone very dramatically that I was sexually assaulted. All of the ‘prep’ kids supported me, and all of the ‘blue collar’ kids called me a slut. LESSONS!Anyhow, my point is this:I’m sitting here listening to Eminem’s raps and realizing he’s just an amalgamate of every boy I was afraid of in Jr. High school.

    I was an overprotected daughter and in Jr High School there were 2 boys (Terry and Mike) who would spit “ANOREXIC BITCH!” at me and grab their crotches as I walked by in my big glasses and Benetton sweatshirt.

    It was all very VERY Weiner Dog/Welcome to The Dollhouse.

    I weighed 70 pounds and was 5’4”. I thought these guys were going to torment me and drag me into the gym bathroom, and like, pull up my shirt to expose my boy sized boobs if I got to close to them. But, I was fascinated by them, “How could kids be THAT BAD?!” One day in drama class one of them grabbed my crotch and I told everyone very dramatically that I was sexually assaulted. All of the ‘prep’ kids supported me, and all of the ‘blue collar’ kids called me a slut. LESSONS!

    Anyhow, my point is this:
    I’m sitting here listening to Eminem’s raps and realizing he’s just an amalgamate of every boy I was afraid of in Jr. High school.


  20. 10 Aug 2010   23 notes  
  21. 3 kids is an excuse for thighs that look like shit, some chicks have no excuse. - me, to a kid staring at me

    I like that when Amy Winehouse sobers up, she’s going to discover she has an award winning music career. I don’t like that when I sober up, I’m going to have to pack up this ‘vacation house’.
    I’m finishing up a ‘vacation’ with the kids right now. Vacation for a Mom traveling with her children = Same deal, different view.

    Today I discovered that a winery is where I get drunk very quickly with a ton of strangers and everyone pretends they aren’t drunk. And a lot of assholes wear SALMON COLORED OUTFITS.
    If I was a cop, I’d have a check-stop set up outside a winery. I didn’t drive, because I was so fucking drunk.
    3 times during lunch James and I pretended  to spit out our wine samplers on the floor and shouted “AWFUL!”.
    We got in trouble.



  22. 05 Aug 2010   27 notes  

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eject

kelly oxford



Twitter:@kellyoxford

1977
Writer
Previously described as: your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Currently described as: your mom.
If I were a mood board you would see:
gold, klonopin, a photo of David Sedaris drinking my breast milk and more gold... gold forever.


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