1. An Open Letter/Rant about ‘Man Repeller’ (google her if you have no clue)

    Hi,

    So look, I *really* like this Man Repeller character. I fucking LOVE characters. She’s herself, she’s her own thing, it’s great. Add to that, her talent for writing and talent for styling and her constantly reminding her readers of how self-deprecating she is and you have an unstoppable force. Add to that- she’s adorable and (shh) likable… Not since Brad Goreski has the fashion world seen the likes of this. In 18 months she’s managed to nudge out hundreds and thousands of budding fashion bloggers and make her way to the top of the fashion blogging scene. She will 100% for SURE (channeling my inner Sylvia Browne) have her own show by the end of 2012.

        This girl is all street style, radiates everything young women want to look like. Her core base of readers are young women. Man Rapeller (typo, keeping it) always wears $700+ shoes. Man Repeller wears a 10K watch a Van Cleef necklace a Cartier bracelet. The problem? Her fan base is young and they idolize her and Man Repeller dresses young and street and is a mentor to young women… BUT this target group she’s a mentor for cannot afford $900 shoes, or even $350 shoes. These are the price points she links to, and items she displays on her site. I’ve read comments from her readers who have gone into major debt buying things that she links for them to buy.

        I don’t think she should stop wearing expensive things, or stop blogging about them! I want to be a baller and I love wearing my expensive stuff too. I’m just saying that it fucking sucks that a huge base of young girls are going to be putting Thakoon boots on their credit cards, buying $400 sweaters on Shopbop because Man Repeller is advertising for them. (See: They send her $600 shoes and sweaters and dresses to wear and then she links to the items on Shopbop and other sites)

    PAUSE RIGHT HERE:
    I’m NOT saying these girls shouldn’t be responsible for buying these things and that it’s Man Repeller’s fault. If girls go out and buy them, they are making their own choice. I’m just saying that this girl is in the 1% and she’s blogging for the 99%. We all have choices….

       When I see something that feeds this notion that we have to have THESE THINGS that could possibly financially strain us, it agitates me.Trust. I’ve found myself on La Garconne with $600 worth of stuff in my cart (one pair of shoes that were 75% off) I put the expensive cheese outside my cage and crave it every day. (metaphor for expensive stuff, I go for cheese)
    It’s just a really fucking weird thing, this Internet world. She has every goddamn right to be wealthy and flaunt her wears, but the group she’s attracting aren’t the ones like her. And I guess we always want what we can’t have? And it’s Internet Psychology coming into play here… have we met a wealthy style blogger? No. So we aren’t used to thinking the blogger chose blogging over interning at Vogue (smart, SMART move BTW LM/MP)
    The girls like her (wealthy, stylish urbanites) are already wearing that kind of shit, Man Repeller doesn’t have to show them where to buy it or how to wear it.
    Man Repeller is blogging for the mid-western girl who buys Vogue and hits the thrift shop and loves Alexa Chung. And if you can buy all that Wang (Alexander, not dick), God bless you, I’m jealous… but when Leandra (I’m getting serious now, so I’m dropping the character name) advertises for Saks $800+ shoes and become a fashion muse to a fan base that can’t afford it, it’s kinda… cruel? God, that’s so first world of me to say.

    In this video, our fantasy girl talks about barfing into a Hermes bag and getting a $1000 coat in the South of France when she was 8

    So, fans of Man Repeller, use her for her styling and fashion escapism. Her styling is balls up amazing and can be transposed to any clothing price point. DON’T get caught up in the Burberry lace ups, or start scanning ebay for the Cartier Love bracelet (!guilty!) or the $2000 Hermes bracelet she’s wearing in the video.
    Most of us are there to escape into a fashion world we can’t tangibly own, so when she says ‘here, own it’ it’s kinda bullshit. Just yell “BULLSHIT” at your screen and go back to looking the pretty things. Score your goods from Goodwill and find shit that is sewn well at Zara (good luck, kids are shitty at sewing) and put it together yourself.

    ps- She did come out with a less expensive line of jewelery (main line items between $98-$312) which is cool… but the big business is now using her site as fishing grounds and the audience is just too young.

    Fuck it,
    First World Problems,
    K

    pps- magazinecaroline, good Q. I’m singling her out because she’s the ‘new internet marketing breed’. She’s a human being/mentor to kids BUT she wields the power of a magazine. I just want girls to treat her exactly like a magazine like Vogue etc. rather than a mentor they can click and click and emulate. Unlike a magazine, we’re all three finger strokes away from purchasing anything she puts on our screens. Just don’t be a dipshit. Im a huge fan of Man Repeller (obvs or i wouldnt have written this) i wish her NOTHING buy positives and success. ALL I AM SAYING IS THIS: Be realistic about what she is, she isn’t ‘like you’, a small percentage of people are. She’s the magazine that you oogle, and online it’s hard to differentiate that sort of thing for some people. As someone who has been observing online influence since MR was 9, that’s all I’m saying. And I’m sure she’d agree with my points, but she hasn’t (and maybe she shouldn’t?) address it, so her wealth vs the majority of her reader base’s non wealth will remain the elephant in the blog.


  2. 29 Oct 2011   167 notes  
  3. An Open Letter to Megan FoxDear Megan,Tonight someone on Twitter said “I’m glad Kelly Oxford hates Megan Fox as much as I do” and it freaked me out because- whoa, listen. I do not hate you. Far from.Look I’ve tweeted twice about you:
1— Megan Fox called Michael Bay ‘Hitler’, lost her role in Transformers 3. Watching her fuck herself wasnt anything like we’ve imagined—
What? None of that sounds like hate. It’s based on media and it sounds a lot like I’ve imagined you masturbating.
2— Megan Fox said “I hate being told I’m talented” but she meant “I hate being lied to”
That’s exactly what you meant, right? CNN- “don’t tell her she’s talented; it feels forced" was the whole quote. But the headline was "I hate being told I’m talented" I think I’m the only one who bothered to read the rest of the article. You were being self-aware and I was just clarifying the intent.Why?Because I love Megan Fox,  just look at you.Oh, and Happy Birthday.xoxo

    An Open Letter to Megan Fox


    Dear Megan,

    Tonight someone on Twitter said “I’m glad Kelly Oxford hates Megan Fox as much as I do” and it freaked me out because- whoa, listen. I do not hate you. Far from.
    Look I’ve tweeted twice about you:

    1— Megan Fox called Michael Bay ‘Hitler’, lost her role in Transformers 3. Watching her fuck herself wasnt anything like we’ve imagined—

    What? None of that sounds like hate. It’s based on media and it sounds a lot like I’ve imagined you masturbating.

    2— Megan Fox said “I hate being told I’m talented” but she meant “I hate being lied to”

    That’s exactly what you meant, right?
    CNN-
    don’t tell her she’s talented; it feels forced" was the whole quote. But the headline was "I hate being told I’m talented" I think I’m the only one who bothered to read the rest of the article. You were being self-aware and I was just clarifying the intent.
    Why?
    Because I love Megan Fox,  just look at you.

    Oh, and Happy Birthday.

    xoxo


  4. 19 May 2010   22 notes  
  5. An Open Letter to Chanel No.5


    Hey Chanel No.5,

    Over the past 32 years any time I’ve smelled you I’ve thought one of two things:

    1. My Nan
    2. Soap

    A couple of weeks ago a Korean lady working at the LAX Duty Free shop gave me a sample of Chanel No.5 when I bought some Chanel lipsticks.

    Let me tell you Chanel No.5, you’d think you have nothing to do with the lipsticks, but you would be mistaken. The lipsticks taste of Chanel No.5.
    And Chanel No5 reminds me of:
    1. Nan
    2. Soap
    So I put on my lipstick and I taste
    1. Nan
    2. Soap

    I know why the scent reminds me of Nan, Chanel No.5 has been her only indulgence for her entire life, but why does the smell remind me of soap??

    Then it occurred to me.
    Chanel No.5 was the first mainstream perfume to hit the consumer market (1921).
    Soaps-stole-the-scent.
    They sieved the Chanel No.5 smell and put it into their soap!

    Assholes!!!

    So, I’d like to say I’m really sorry for thinking Chanel No.5 tastes and smells like soap.
    It’s soap that concocted a crunk-ified version of Chanel No.5 to scent themselves, they’ve twisted everything up and done you WRONG Chanel No.5.
    Those fuckers!
    This is a letter of apology for all of those times I’ve put on lipstick this week and though, “Soap!”

    Yours for real,
    K


  6. 14 May 2010   14 notes  
  7. An Open Letter to David Duchovny

    Hey David,

    Just wanted to drop you a note and say congratulations.
    I don’t know how much money you had to spend on contracts and ‘hush money’ for your mistresses, but in retrospect, paying them off and going into sexual addiction rehab before the shit hit the fan is probably making you feel really awesome right now.

    Tiger and Jesse James really make you look like a goddamn rich genius.

    xoxo
    K


  8. 31 Mar 2010   16 notes  
  9. An Open Letter about Teeth



    Hey guys,

    So do any of you ever get freaked out by your teeth and want to pull them all out?
    Sometimes I feel them in my mouth and think they are just wrong.
    I mean, aesthetically I was given nice teeth, but the idea of them in my mouth just grosses me out.

    That’s it,
    Kelly


  10. 06 Mar 2010   20 notes  
  11. An Open Letter to Calgarians reading about me in the paper today

    Good Morning Canadians! It’s me in high resolution.
    I look old, but I figure I’m at a disadvantage beside an 18 month old.
    Misty Harris is a fantastic journalist and did a great job telling my story, I’m thrilled and humbled that she thought to interview me.

    Cool.


    NOT COOL.

    The quote "Twitter gave me back my life", it wasn’t mine it was @sween ‘s.

    Anyone who reads the article will know this.
    But for those who only see my photo, and a quote under it - it really doesn’t look that way. I’m disappointed this “Desperate Housewife” visual was given.

    Twitter is a great way for me to post some stupid thoughts/observances.
    It certainly did not give me my life back.
    My life was never gone.

    My life is and has been more amazing and fulfilling since I’ve become a mother and housewife than it ever was prior to becoming one.

    So - “Yeah, that was me but Twitter didn’t give me my life back!!”

    Anyhow,  I think I feel better now.

    Yours,
    Kelly


  12. 25 Feb 2010   29 notes  
  13. An Open Valentine to my Husband


    Valentine’s Day is for lovers, and after 12 years we’re more like brother and sister, but you need to know I’m pretty sure I can’t cheat on you because I’m terrified of showing another man my naked body.
    Love,
    Kelly


  14. 12 Feb 2010   31 notes  
  15. An Open Letter to Los Angeles

    Good Afternoon Dear City,

    I just wanted to let you know how safe I feel when I’m inside of you, because when I’m there, I’m definitely in the bottom 20% of girls who would be chosen by a rapist to rape.

    So thanks,
    I love that about you.
    Kelly


  16. 28 Jan 2010   12 notes  
  17. An Open Letter to Elin Nordegren
Sweetheart!!!Congratulations on being the first Viking to live the American Dream!I’m so proud of you for achieving the GOLDEN UNICORN that all girlfriends of pro athletes fantasize about when they take their Ambien at night.It’s like whhhooooooooaaa.
Elin, you have two adorable kids and I can’t believe you made 300 million dollars before turning thirty. I can totally see you spelling out “Dreams do come true”  in diamonds.DO IT!Oh my God, I was just thinking about how funny it is that you’ve been bitching about how boring he is, and now THIS?! HA HA HA. Oh well.Call me for an après ski hot butter rumfest! (Lake Louise-this weekend!)Girl Power,Kelly

    An Open Letter to Elin Nordegren

    Sweetheart!!!

    Congratulations on being the first Viking to live the American Dream!
    I’m so proud of you for achieving the GOLDEN UNICORN that all girlfriends of pro athletes fantasize about when they take their Ambien at night.
    It’s like whhhooooooooaaa.

    Elin, you have two adorable kids and I can’t believe you made 300 million dollars before turning thirty.
    I can totally see you spelling out “Dreams do come true” in diamonds.
    DO IT!

    Oh my God, I was just thinking about how funny it is that you’ve been bitching about how boring he is, and now THIS?! HA HA HA. Oh well.
    Call me for an après ski hot butter rumfest! (Lake Louise-this weekend!)

    Girl Power,
    Kelly


  18. 04 Jan 2010   5 notes  
  19. An Open Letter to my Sister’s Friend Marika

    Hey Marika,

    Honey, I just need to clear something up.
    When I’m around you I’m awkward.
    I’m awkward because I say bullshit around you.
    I say bullshit around you because if I told you what I was really thinking we’d have a huge fight.
    So basically, I hate you.

    I don’t mind that you are loud and dominate conversations, commanding the attention of half a dozen people at a time. In fact, that’s something like about you. I think that’s a talent.
    The problem is, I think that everything that comes out of your mouth is bullshit.

    Last night you said, “I don’t work. I just hang out and shop all day. I drop my kids (4 and 5) off at ‘nursery’ every day from 8am to 5pm. Sometimes I forget about them and I get a call (laughter), I don’t care.”
    5 minutes later you said, “I don’t know why you need a big house for the 5 of you Kelly. I want a small house. I want one TV. I want to hear my daughters and their friends talking when they visit. I want to know what is going on.”

    Last night I couldn’t point out your contradiction.
    You brag that you do nothing while strangers raise your kids, but you want a small house so you can keep tabs on what they are doing?
    WHAT THE FUCK?

    I can’t be myself around you.
    You and your bullshit. I put up with it because you are a good friend of my sisters and you are cute.
    But please. Stay in Croatia, don’t visit anymore.
    Don’t offer me advice on anything.

    My hate for you? It stems from having to NOT BE ME around you.
    I just wanted to tell you here, you are an idiot.
    And I know I’m awkward around you and you probably think I’m a loser - But I’m awkward because I’m withholding a round of punches to your face and verbal berating.

    Love and Hugs to your poor children,
    Kelly Winona Oxford


  20. 28 Dec 2009   19 notes  
  21. An Open Letter to Dr. Phil

    Afternoon Good Master Phil,

    Just changing the channels here when I heard you say,
    "When do you tell your kids that Santa is a story? How do you explain that he isn’t real?"

    I think you may have done just-that for a bunch of kids who are sick at home. Bad Moms leave your show on TV while they eat burritos in the kitchen.

    Hypothetically,
    Kelly


  22. 14 Dec 2009   7 notes  
  23. An Open Letter to Nick Jr.

    Good afternoon providers of child wonder,

    Just watching “Blue’s Clues” with my toddler when a commerical for the movie,
    "G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra" came on.
    Really?
    Do you guys think she’d like it?

    Despite me thinking it was a bad idea, my husband took our 6 year old son Henry to see it. (“It’s a boy thing, you wouldn’t understand.”)
    Two minutes into the film, and Henry was so overwhelmed by the sound effects and lack of plot that could explain to him why they were fighting, that he threw up all over the floor.

    I guess the baby isn’t as smart as him. She might like the explosions and yelling.
    Okay, thanks.
    I shouldn’t question your choices! You are *the* resource for child entertainment.

    I’m an idiot,
    Kelly Oxford


  24. 11 Dec 2009   7 notes  

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eject

kelly oxford



Twitter:@kellyoxford

1977
Writer
Previously described as: your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Currently described as: your mom.
If I were a mood board you would see:
gold, klonopin, a photo of David Sedaris drinking my breast milk and more gold... gold forever.


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