1. Henry, age 8, watches Forrest Gump.

  2. Henry: Wow, he doesn't use commas when he talks.
  3. Henry: Is Tom Hanks handicapped in real life?
  4. Henry: Their house is huge.
  5. Henry: I can't believe Elvis stole his moves, gave him no credit. Not cool.
  6. Henry: Is he going to sit on that bench and tell this story for the whole movie?
  7. Henry: His braces broke off his legs and he's a normal kid, running? He just left Jenny? Shouldn't he be tired of running?
  8. Henry: Oh man he joins the ARMY!? WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT!?
  9. Henry: This Bubba guy is awesome, but he's gonna die. In every army movie the first friend the main character meets, dies. Poor Bubba's gonna die.
  10. Henry: Oh my god, I love Bubba and this shrimp stuff.
  11. Henry: Jenny is in Playboy? Is this a stripper show? She's totally a stripper.
  12. Henry: Jenny you can't outrun a bullet. She told him to run.
  13. Henry: YES. WAR SCENES. FINALLY. Why doesn't Forrest have the cool gun?
  14. Henry: Man, Vietnam would have been fun... until you had to go out and fight and die.
  15. Henry: His platoon leader is just like my teacher. "Sit down. Shut up."
  16. Henry: I love Bubba.
  17. Henry: I love how Forrest talks.
  18. Henry: OH NO JENNY IS A HIPPIE.
  19. Henry: Knew it. Is Bubba dead?
  20. Henry: Was Forrest the only one who made it out, standing? Hey, this is what you have to do in Call of Duty. When you're being carried out, you need to pull out a handgun.
  21. Henry: Oh Bubba isn't good. Man. I knew it. He died. Everyone's best friend always gets shot.
  22. Henry: Why would lieutant Dan rather be dead than get prosthetics? That's dumb.
  23. [Sal walks in]
  24. Sal: Do hippies work? At all?
  25. Henry: Dick Clark was so young then. He's old now. He's dead.
  26. Henry: Jenny is so stupid.
  27. Henry: Wait. BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP?!?! IS THIS A TRUE STORY?!
  28. Sal: I like that the Apple symbol used to be rainbow.
  29. Henry: I'd never cut grass for free.
  30. Sal: Jenny is a mess.
  31. Henry: Jenny is a mess.
  32. Henry: He's going to be really depressed now.
  33. Sal: Jenny is terrible.
  34. Henry: "His daddy's name is Forrest? Just like me?" He's an idiot.
  35. Henry: Is it over? I want to know more about his cute little kid.
  36. Sal: SEQUEL. That's my new favorite movie.


  37. 09 Nov 2012   758 notes  
  38. Henry, Age 8, chose Pretty Woman over The Fifth Element.

  39. Henry: Why is she wearing those huge boots?
  40. Me: Do you know what a hooker is?
  41. Henry: Yes.
  42. Me: How?
  43. Henry: An episode of The New Girl.
  44. Henry: If Vivian's roomate spent the rent money on drugs, couldn't she just call the cops on her?
  45. Henry: What did she say about your foot being the same length as your arm? Is she a nerd hooker?
  46. Me: I'm going to fast-forward any sex stuff.
  47. Henry: Please.
  48. Henry: Oh My god she has a toupee? The blonde hair is a wig? Her long hair is way prettier.
  49. Henry: This guy is a good actor (Jason Alexander)
  50. Henry: Why did Edward say "stay in the shallow end" of the tub?
  51. Me: It was a joke.
  52. Henry: Not funny.
  53. Henry: Oh man she needs new clothes now.
  54. Henry: Why are those women in the store so idiotic? They kicked her out because of that outfit? She was going to spend money in their shop! EL STUPIDO.
  55. Henry: She's getting in trouble at the hotel for her old clothes now? She needs new clothes SO BAD.
  56. Henry: Vivian kind of looks like Sal, but in hooker boots.
  57. Henry: I think she should have bought a lot of normal clothing, not just a cocktail dress.
  58. Me: Look she has a new dress. Do you think he likes it?
  59. Henry: Edward?
  60. Me: Yes.
  61. Henry Who cares, he's a pervert.
  62. Henry: She's sitting on the edge of the building. I'm not afraid of heights, but I'm not idiotic enough to do that, I wouldn't be comfortable doing that. She's dumb.
  63. Henry: The hotel manager is like, SHE IS AWESOME.
  64. Henry: What are they watching? HORSE GOLF OR SOMETHING?
  65. Henry: Yup, this is horse golf.
  66. Henry: Vivian is going to be really mad at Edward for telling him she's a hooker.
  67. Henry: Oh she's wearing the red dress from the commercial. She's going to laugh and he's going to do the clam book joke on her hand.
  68. Henry: Does the elevator guy just stand in the elevator all day? That's a terrible job. I bet some guys just stand in there and play Angry Birds all day.
  69. Henry: It takes 3 minutes to get to China from Calgary on a rocket. Sal told me that, but Sal is wrong about a lot of stuff.
  70. Henry: If the hotel manager liked her so much, he should have given her a job in that hotel.


  71. 08 Sep 2012   474 notes  
  72. Henry (8) and Sal (10) watching "Marie Antoinette"

  73. Henry: So what, you just like trade your daughter to another country to stop world war two or something?
  74. Henry: They'd better not take that pug from the girl from Spider-man. Oh my GOD they did. I hate France.
  75. Henry: I want a feather pen.
  76. Sal: They are really heavy and hard to write with. You have to dip them in ink. They leave blotches.
  77. Henry: You don't think I know that stuff? I tried to make a feather pen.
  78. Henry: Is he wearing a wig? Why is a big butt dress supposed to be fancy? Everyone likes big butts. They cannot lie. This is where the song probably came from.
  79. Henry: Instead of kissing at the wedding they should do the chicken dance.
  80. Henry: Are there explosions in this?
  81. Henry: Is everyone going to watch them go to bed? Are they dying? Okay is everyone going to go in their room every night?
  82. Henry: Uhhh (boob shot)
  83. Henry: Did they want them to have a kid their first night together?! Um, they kinda have to know each other first. Jeez.
  84. Henry: I can't wait to go to France and eat pastries.
  85. Me: They're just like the ones at the patisserie.
  86. Henry: No. They're better. Mom, it's Paris.
  87. Henry: Do they have to make a baby here at some point? God, that would be annoying. This prince is a weirdo. He makes keys.
  88. Sal: Why is the King with that girl? That's not the queen? Ew!
  89. Henry: What about that pug?
  90. Henry: They said the princess is fooling around, but the prince is never sleeping with her.
  91. Henry: Don't walk behind that huge dress! Peacock! CA-CAWWW!!


  92. 03 Jan 2012   444 notes  
  93. Sal (age 10) Henry (age 7) and Me (age 33) Watch "Grease" for the first time.

  94. Henry: What the heck? They're kissing on the beach saying "don't go"? What is this? The end of the movie?
  95. Henry: What the heck? Is that Elvis?
  96. Henry: What the heck is with this cartoon? What are hooties? Is that another word for hooters?
  97. Henry: Are those guys the jackasses in this movie? Yeah, I think these guys are the jackasses.
  98. Henry: Elvis smokes?
  99. Me: Isn't Elvis. It's John Travolta.
  100. Sal: His eyes are too small for his nose. Who is THAT?
  101. Me: Stockard Channing.
  102. Sal: She does NOT look like she'd be in High School.
  103. Henry: Please tell me no one dressed or walked like this in real life. I don't think the Elvis looking guy knows his blondie girl is at this school.
  104. Henry: Did he just put a frog in her purse?
  105. Me: You were right about those guys.
  106. Henry: they are the jackass badasses, is Elvis one of those guys?
  107. Sal: Yeah.
  108. Henry: Do they just sit at the football practice and and make fun of everyone?
  109. Me: Yeah.
  110. Sal: I don't like these people. They're all rude.
  111. Me: Sandy doesn't seem rude.
  112. Sal: So?
  113. Henry: I love this movie. Wait ARE THEY ALL JUST SINGING?!?! SUDDENLY!?
  114. Me: Yeah. that's what happens in High School.
  115. Henry: Seriously? Did this just suddenly happen?? He's singing about her and she's singing about him? Weird. They both don't know they're in the same school?? You can tell that crazy girl is lip syncing. You can tell they're all lip syncing.
  116. Sal: The 50's look stupid. Elvis has a crazy chin dimple.
  117. Henry: Anyone can have a dimple like that, if they take a knife and just carve one out.
  118. Sal: Yeah, I'm sure the principal says "Quiet" and they're all quiet. That doesn't happen.
  119. Henry: WHY IS HE ACTING LIKE THAT TO SANDY?!?!
  120. Me: Why do you think?
  121. Henry: 'Cause he's a jackass.
  122. Me: Henry you can't say that word again, ok..... but yeah.
  123. Henry: Rizzo and these girls Sandy is friends with are the bad girls. Alllright!!!
  124. Sal: This is boring.
  125. Henry: Are they kissing in the car? Oh my god they are licking each other!! CHINESE KISSING!!
  126. Me: Chinese kissing?
  127. Henry: Uh, what is it, Japanese kissing? French... oh yeah french kissing.
  128. (Greased Lightning comes on)
  129. Henry: Too much singing. Can I turn this off?
  130. Beatrix walks in: Oh look at all the princesses dancing!
  131. Sal: Those cars don't look fast, they look like hippos.
  132. Henry: OH MY GOD LOOK AT SANDY SHE'S A BAD GIRL NOW!
  133. Sal: Those pants.
  134. Henry: Grandad and I went on the Gravitron 2 times last week.
  135. Me: You did not!
  136. Henry: Yeah, twice, I puked.
  137. Me: YOU DID NOT TAKE MY DAD ON THE GRAVITRON TWICE!
  138. Henry: I did. See that one ride in the movie? It looks so boring, it must be a 'kissing ride', the kind you go on just to kiss people?
  139. Me: Chinese Kiss them?
  140. Henry: Har-Har. Green screen car flying into the SKY!!!!!


  141. 30 Aug 2011   398 notes  
  142. Henry, age 7, watching 'Valentino: The Last Emperor'

  143. Henry: Is Valentino going to die at the end of this?
  144. Kelly: No.
  145. Henry: Doesn't everyone die at the end of documentaries? Like in LaBamba?
  146. Kelly: LaBamba was a biography.
  147. Henry: Ah! Mom what are you doing? Are you petting the pink part of the dog? DON'T TOUCH THE PINK PART!
  148. Kelly: Henry, that's her stomach.
  149. Henry: No, it's disgusting, it's the pink part. (LOOKS AT MOVIE) God. Look at those people.
  150. Kelly: What?
  151. Henry: Everyone in Rome looks terrifying.
  152. Kelly: You probably know more about Valentino than any other boy in Calgary.
  153. Henry: Where does Valentino live?
  154. Kelly: Rome, Paris. Why?
  155. Henry: Well, if he lived here, he'd know the most about Valentino.


  156. 20 Aug 2011   69 notes  
  157. Sal (age 10) and I (age 33) watch Dirty Dancing together for the first time. (I'm no longer the only living white girl over 30 who hasn't seen it)

  158. Me: That would be a nice place to go on vacation.
  159. Sal: Seems boring.
  160. Me: It's nice there, it's a quaint mountain resort. I really like that her name is Baby.
  161. Sal: Why do the watermelons look like that, all long?
  162. Me: Oh God, you're right. Watermelons always used to look like that.
  163. Sal: They're all round now. Did they really used to be long?
  164. Me: Yeah, that's freaking me out. Science changed them, genetically modified.
  165. Sal: She's just going right into the staff area? BOLD!
  166. Me: WAIT. A. MINUTE. Look at them dancing. They're just rubbing their penises and vaginas on each other. No wonder all of my friends in Jr.High School loved this.
  167. Sal: Why is that girl crying.
  168. Me: They said she was 'knocked up', she's pregnant.
  169. Sal: Why is she flipping out about it.
  170. Me: It's a big deal, and it's 1963 so it's a bigger deal. Women could not have babies without husbands back then.
  171. Sal: Oh my god, in the old days you couldn't have sex until you were married!?!
  172. Me: We'll talk about this later.
  173. Sal: Wait, so Baby's going to take her place dancing so she can have an abortion? This is weird.
  174. Me: It's really funny.
  175. Sal: Why can she only do it on Thursday?? Can't she get it another day?
  176. Me: The guy said that was the only appointment that week.
  177. Sal: They could have waited.
  178. Me: I think he's going to kill Baby.
  179. Sal: Why are they fighting?
  180. Me: The botched abortion stressed them out. Oh, I have shorts like that. I'm going to call them my Baby shorts. I should totally buy all of these outfits from the movie and wear them all next summer.
  181. Sal: (seriously) No. Don't.
  182. Me: Why?
  183. Sal: I don't like them.
  184. Me: Baby touched his bum!
  185. Sal: Ohhhhh.
  186. Me: Baby's going to need to get an abortion.
  187. Sal: She can just get her Dad to do it, but he'll yell at her.
  188. Me: I think they might really be in love, Wow, so they are falling in love and having sex on the night their friend had a botched abortion?
  189. Sal: It brought them together. Who is that guy?
  190. Me: It's Johnny!
  191. Sal: There are too many guys in this movie, there are like 4 guys that look the same.Wait. Wasn't he just mad at Baby, not they're in bed again.
  192. Me: I wonder if Sarah Silverman has ever dressed up like Baby's sister Lisa when she sings "Hula Hana" for Halloween. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlT35Ote09c
  193. Sal: Oh she does look like her.
  194. Me: This is getting boring. But it's still a good summer movie.
  195. Sal: Where do the parents think Baby is going every night?
  196. Me: Her Dad is having a terrible vacation.
  197. Sal: Why doesn't Johnny just tell her Dad he didn't get the blondie pregnant.
  198. Me: Writers do that a lot, the accused doesn't defend himself because he is poor, or underprivileged or whatever, in comparison to the person accusing him. He'll figure it out later and feel bad.
  199. Sal: What?
  200. Me: Nevermind. The sister Lisa just said "You're pretty in your own way", that means "You're ugly"
  201. Sal: 'Shhhhe's like the wind!"
  202. Me: Weird, I like the "Nobody puts baby in the corner" part. I never thought that line would be good in any of the scenes I imagined it could be in.
  203. JAMES WALKS IN: Oh god, this is so CHEESY. Even at the time it was cheesy, right? The Righteous Brothers? Super lame. I've had the time of my life. Totally embarrassing.
  204. Sal: Oh my god, the Dad is mad again. At least he said he was wrong to Johnny.
  205. Me: Patrick Swayze looks Native American.
  206. Sal: I've never even heard this version of 'Time of my Life", I've only heard the Black Eyed Peas version.
  207. Me: You're living a tough life kid.
  208. Sal: Are there bloopers? I like it at the end when there are bloopers.


  209. 10 Aug 2011   216 notes  
  210. Henry and I watching LaBamba

  211. SCENE: COUPLE HAVING SEX IN WOODS
  212. Me: What are they doing!?!?
  213. Henry: Look at their faces, they're being bitten by spiders.


  214. 15 Jul 2011   74 notes  
  215. Henry & I are watching the original Superman movie

  216. Henry: So he's a secret superhero who works at a newspaper, he has a crush on the girl he works with, and the boss hates the superhero?
  217. Me: Yeah.
  218. Henry: THIS IS JUST SPIDERMAN.


  219. 26 Jun 2011   121 notes  
  220. Running Movie Commentary w/ My Kids



    Henry: So, are they going to talk about any other planets soon?
    Salinger: Why are animals able to walk right away? People can’t… this is stupid.
    (Wolves following caribou) Salinger: Ahhhh my feast begins.
    (Wolf catches baby caribou) Henry: I hate this movie
    Henry: That bird is awesome, he has tentacles on his butt.
    Henry: Okay so this is the story of how the cute baby elephant dies now?
    (shot of cheetah) Henry: NOW THAT’S HOW THE BABY ELEPHANT DIES. CODE BLACK.
    Salinger: Those spots do not blend into the Savannah
    Henry: That’s a girl cheetah, you can tell from the eyes
    Salinger: Then it trips, and it’s a GONER.
    Salinger: Now we are looking at CLOUDS?
    Henry: What eats clouds?
    Salinger: Nothing you idiot.
    Henry: People probably do, out of planes.
    Salinger: You can’t stick your head out of a plane, your head would go “pop” from the pressure.
    Henry: Yeah you are right. Birds probably could eat them though.
    Henry: Look that monkey thinks he is smart. They are dancing! See their hands!
    Salinger: No they aren’t, there is no music.
    Henry: Yes there is, listen.
    Salinger: That’s music the movie makers put over top. Those Monkeys just don’t want to get their hands wet.
    Henry: Those dolphins look like bullets, wait I know what they are doing… RUNNING!
    Salinger: That’s the thing that killed Nemo’s Mom.
    Salinger: What are those?
    Henry: Pieces of fart. Or poo. What’s that?
    Henry: I don’t like this. I’m going to skip it. *SCREAMS*
    Henry: What is that?
    Salinger: I don’t know.
    Henry: A shark.
    Salinger: Okay let’s skip it.
    Henry: Oh no this is getting good.
    Salinger: Imagine that thing eating you for lunch?
    Henry: That’s why I never want to swim in the ocean. I wish it was a hammerhead shark.
    Salinger: Mom I don’t want to watch this.
    Henry: I wish it was a hammerhead shark. I wish it was a hammerhead shark.
    Salinger: I didn’t know they were that big. This is scary. It really goes much faster than this, this is slow motion. Someone had to go on a boat to tape that.
    Henry: I wish it was a hammerhead shark, it would be much interestinger. That would be so scary having to go underwater to tape them. I wonder how big a hammerhead is.
    Salinger: It’s probably as big as this ottoman, from here to the umbrella outside. So if you were here it would go to there, and as fat as the ottoman.
    Henry: Do you know how big a hammerhead shark is?
    Salinger: No.
    (penguins sliding around on their stomachs)
    Henry & Salinger : WHOOO HOOOOO!!! I like to party party party.
    Salinger: Penguins!
    Henry: Hammerhead! Oh fine, penguins. NO!
    Salinger: Those aren’t penguins.
    Henry: What are those guys?
    Salinger: Whales.
    Henry: I’m sure this is almost over sis. Am I supposed to feel sorry for all of the animals? Cause I do.
    Salinger: NORTHERN LIGHTS!
    Henry: Beautiful. Just beautiful.
    Salinger: They aren’t going to tell us how they are made? This is stupid.
    Henry: I bet this is almost over. Is it almost over. We need to figure THAT out.
    Henry: Look Walruses.
    Salinger: Those things are fart machines.
    Henry: Like Grandad.
    Salinger: Mom, THAT’S how the air gets polluted! What, they travel for DAYS? DAYS?!
    Henry: Ew, that polar bear is disgusting. Sal, those walruses are JUST LIKE GRANDAD because they have moustaches, and they fart.
    (polar bear and walrus fighting)
    Salinger: Look, two fatso’s fighting!
    Henry: Hey, you know what’s not fair? It’s one Polar Bear against hundreds of walruses.
    Salinger: Slap him with your tail walrus!
    Henry: Is he hungry?
    Salinger: THAT BEAR IS STARVING!
    Henry: He got nothing.
    Salinger: That guy is gonna die.
    Henry: Sal, this movie is almost over.
    Salinger: The POlar bear is dead. It’s dead. We get the point. Why are you even showing this.
    Henry: The movie should be over.
    Salinger: Yeah, the main character is dead.
    Henry: What… more?
    Salinger: Yeah.
    Henry: Tell me why it isn’t over, you should know, you are smart.
    Salinger: I’m stupid.
    Henry: I don’t know.
    (FINAL MONTAGE BEGINS)
    Salinger: All I know is this guy just called the world paradise after showing us death for an hour. Beavers swimming, beavers swimming… oh no, not the whales again. It only showed the dolphins for 2 seconds. There is the wolf that ate everyone, the leopard that ate everyone, the wobbly penguin, oh that part was funny with the bird… oh look Henry, they killed out world. The earth went dark.
    Henry: God, all I want after that is macaroni and cheese.
    (outtakes)
    Henry: See that camera guy? See him? He is DRUNK.
    Salinger: DISNEY!! WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! That was the world’s stupidest movie.
    Henry: You-Are-Right.


  221. 15 Sep 2009   11 notes  

eject

kelly oxford



Twitter:@kellyoxford

1977
Writer
Previously described as: your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Currently described as: your mom.
If I were a mood board you would see:
gold, klonopin, a photo of David Sedaris drinking my breast milk and more gold... gold forever.


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