Henry: So, are they going to talk about any other planets soon?
Salinger: Why are animals able to walk right away? People can’t… this is stupid.
(Wolves following caribou) Salinger: Ahhhh my feast begins.
(Wolf catches baby caribou) Henry: I hate this movie
Henry: That bird is awesome, he has tentacles on his butt.
Henry: Okay so this is the story of how the cute baby elephant dies now?
(shot of cheetah) Henry: NOW THAT’S HOW THE BABY ELEPHANT DIES. CODE BLACK.
Salinger: Those spots do not blend into the Savannah
Henry: That’s a girl cheetah, you can tell from the eyes
Salinger: Then it trips, and it’s a GONER.
Salinger: Now we are looking at CLOUDS?
Henry: What eats clouds?
Salinger: Nothing you idiot.
Henry: People probably do, out of planes.
Salinger: You can’t stick your head out of a plane, your head would go “pop” from the pressure.
Henry: Yeah you are right. Birds probably could eat them though.
Henry: Look that monkey thinks he is smart. They are dancing! See their hands!
Salinger: No they aren’t, there is no music.
Henry: Yes there is, listen.
Salinger: That’s music the movie makers put over top. Those Monkeys just don’t want to get their hands wet.
Henry: Those dolphins look like bullets, wait I know what they are doing… RUNNING!
Salinger: That’s the thing that killed Nemo’s Mom.
Salinger: What are those?
Henry: Pieces of fart. Or poo. What’s that?
Henry: I don’t like this. I’m going to skip it. *SCREAMS*
Henry: What is that?
Salinger: I don’t know.
Henry: A shark.
Salinger: Okay let’s skip it.
Henry: Oh no this is getting good.
Salinger: Imagine that thing eating you for lunch?
Henry: That’s why I never want to swim in the ocean. I wish it was a hammerhead shark.
Salinger: Mom I don’t want to watch this.
Henry: I wish it was a hammerhead shark. I wish it was a hammerhead shark.
Salinger: I didn’t know they were that big. This is scary. It really goes much faster than this, this is slow motion. Someone had to go on a boat to tape that.
Henry: I wish it was a hammerhead shark, it would be much interestinger. That would be so scary having to go underwater to tape them. I wonder how big a hammerhead is.
Salinger: It’s probably as big as this ottoman, from here to the umbrella outside. So if you were here it would go to there, and as fat as the ottoman.
Henry: Do you know how big a hammerhead shark is?
Salinger: No.
(penguins sliding around on their stomachs)
Henry & Salinger : WHOOO HOOOOO!!! I like to party party party.
Salinger: Penguins!
Henry: Hammerhead! Oh fine, penguins. NO!
Salinger: Those aren’t penguins.
Henry: What are those guys?
Salinger: Whales.
Henry: I’m sure this is almost over sis. Am I supposed to feel sorry for all of the animals? Cause I do.
Salinger: NORTHERN LIGHTS!
Henry: Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Salinger: They aren’t going to tell us how they are made? This is stupid.
Henry: I bet this is almost over. Is it almost over. We need to figure THAT out.
Henry: Look Walruses.
Salinger: Those things are fart machines.
Henry: Like Grandad.
Salinger: Mom, THAT’S how the air gets polluted! What, they travel for DAYS? DAYS?!
Henry: Ew, that polar bear is disgusting. Sal, those walruses are JUST LIKE GRANDAD because they have moustaches, and they fart.
(polar bear and walrus fighting)
Salinger: Look, two fatso’s fighting!
Henry: Hey, you know what’s not fair? It’s one Polar Bear against hundreds of walruses.
Salinger: Slap him with your tail walrus!
Henry: Is he hungry?
Salinger: THAT BEAR IS STARVING!
Henry: He got nothing.
Salinger: That guy is gonna die.
Henry: Sal, this movie is almost over.
Salinger: The POlar bear is dead. It’s dead. We get the point. Why are you even showing this.
Henry: The movie should be over.
Salinger: Yeah, the main character is dead.
Henry: What… more?
Salinger: Yeah.
Henry: Tell me why it isn’t over, you should know, you are smart.
Salinger: I’m stupid.
Henry: I don’t know.
(FINAL MONTAGE BEGINS)
Salinger: All I know is this guy just called the world paradise after showing us death for an hour. Beavers swimming, beavers swimming… oh no, not the whales again. It only showed the dolphins for 2 seconds. There is the wolf that ate everyone, the leopard that ate everyone, the wobbly penguin, oh that part was funny with the bird… oh look Henry, they killed out world. The earth went dark.
Henry: God, all I want after that is macaroni and cheese.
(outtakes)
Henry: See that camera guy? See him? He is DRUNK.
Salinger: DISNEY!! WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! That was the world’s stupidest movie.
Henry: You-Are-Right.
1977
