For half the year my Mother lives on the Mediterranean coast of Turkey.
Here is an email she sent me this morning. Enjoy.
“Just to let you know that if you die here they pop you in the ground within 24 hours.
I am not sure what is going on, I think the hospital doesn’t have any storage space??? Sometimes you get popped in within a twelve hour period.
So hey, if you don’t hear from me, it gives you another place to check. Every morning we get announcements over the village PA system, and man can this village put out the stiffs.”
Told 8 yr old daughter that the Army pays for your education if you join.
Her response: “It kinda makes sense that they have to trick you.”
In other news, she just played her first coffee house gig. Had no idea it was a christian coffee house (it wasn’t called Coffee Prophet or anything), didn’t know they existed. Should have guessed they do.
I think my son may have serial killer eyes.
They aren’t dead looking, but if he had a mugshot taken, they would be.
I’m a great mother, so I’m going to go and get him several small pets and see what happens. If he kills them, I can start dealing with this now.
Like I said, I’m that great of a mother.
Last night I ordered my pizza with anchovies, bacon, spinach and onions so that none of the kids would bother me for some.
Figured I was a genius when it worked.
But as I eat the left overs today in this empty house, this pizza is fucking gross.
Last night Henry and I were watching ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and discussing the culture, time period and decor.
Henry: what is the material she’s wearing?
Kelly: silk. i can’t wear it because i have three kids and it would get destroyed.
Henry: where does it come from.
Kelly: worms.
Henry: serious?
Kelly: yes.
HENRY VOMITS ON HIS LAP
I SHIT YOU NOT; IT GROSSED HIM OUT THAT MUCH.
The Oh my God Mom pose.
The Dad pulls his pants down and runs around in the snow pose.
When your daughter asks
“Why do the men and women compete separately in the Olympics?”
PLEASE let her Mother answer the fucking question.
Because-you-will-do-it-wrong-and-divorce-will-follow.
Valentine’s Day is for lovers, and after 12 years we’re more like brother and sister, but you need to know I’m pretty sure I can’t cheat on you because I’m terrified of showing another man my naked body.
Love,
Kelly
1977
