1. Ten years ago a friend told me her dog was getting her ready for parenthood, so I emailed her this photo, "Yeah, just on my way out to a movie, practicing crate training. Bye!"

    Ten years ago a friend told me her dog was getting her ready for parenthood, so I emailed her this photo,
    "Yeah, just on my way out to a movie, practicing crate training. Bye!"


  2. 23 Apr 2014   338 notes  
  3. Henry, Age 8, chose Pretty Woman over The Fifth Element.

  4. Henry: Why is she wearing those huge boots?
  5. Me: Do you know what a hooker is?
  6. Henry: Yes.
  7. Me: How?
  8. Henry: An episode of The New Girl.
  9. Henry: If Vivian's roomate spent the rent money on drugs, couldn't she just call the cops on her?
  10. Henry: What did she say about your foot being the same length as your arm? Is she a nerd hooker?
  11. Me: I'm going to fast-forward any sex stuff.
  12. Henry: Please.
  13. Henry: Oh My god she has a toupee? The blonde hair is a wig? Her long hair is way prettier.
  14. Henry: This guy is a good actor (Jason Alexander)
  15. Henry: Why did Edward say "stay in the shallow end" of the tub?
  16. Me: It was a joke.
  17. Henry: Not funny.
  18. Henry: Oh man she needs new clothes now.
  19. Henry: Why are those women in the store so idiotic? They kicked her out because of that outfit? She was going to spend money in their shop! EL STUPIDO.
  20. Henry: She's getting in trouble at the hotel for her old clothes now? She needs new clothes SO BAD.
  21. Henry: Vivian kind of looks like Sal, but in hooker boots.
  22. Henry: I think she should have bought a lot of normal clothing, not just a cocktail dress.
  23. Me: Look she has a new dress. Do you think he likes it?
  24. Henry: Edward?
  25. Me: Yes.
  26. Henry Who cares, he's a pervert.
  27. Henry: She's sitting on the edge of the building. I'm not afraid of heights, but I'm not idiotic enough to do that, I wouldn't be comfortable doing that. She's dumb.
  28. Henry: The hotel manager is like, SHE IS AWESOME.
  29. Henry: What are they watching? HORSE GOLF OR SOMETHING?
  30. Henry: Yup, this is horse golf.
  31. Henry: Vivian is going to be really mad at Edward for telling him she's a hooker.
  32. Henry: Oh she's wearing the red dress from the commercial. She's going to laugh and he's going to do the clam book joke on her hand.
  33. Henry: Does the elevator guy just stand in the elevator all day? That's a terrible job. I bet some guys just stand in there and play Angry Birds all day.
  34. Henry: It takes 3 minutes to get to China from Calgary on a rocket. Sal told me that, but Sal is wrong about a lot of stuff.
  35. Henry: If the hotel manager liked her so much, he should have given her a job in that hotel.


  36. 08 Sep 2012   474 notes  
  37. Henry (7) and Sal (10) give us their Top Ten TV Shows

    image

    10. Full House

    9. American Dad

    8. Family Guy

    7. Robot Chicken

    6. Futurama

    5. The Office

    4. New Girl/ Bob’s Burgers

    3. Modern Family

    2. 2 Broke Girls

    1. Community


  38. 11 Oct 2011   22 notes  
  39. Sal (age 10) Henry (age 7) and Me (age 33) Watch "Grease" for the first time.

  40. Henry: What the heck? They're kissing on the beach saying "don't go"? What is this? The end of the movie?
  41. Henry: What the heck? Is that Elvis?
  42. Henry: What the heck is with this cartoon? What are hooties? Is that another word for hooters?
  43. Henry: Are those guys the jackasses in this movie? Yeah, I think these guys are the jackasses.
  44. Henry: Elvis smokes?
  45. Me: Isn't Elvis. It's John Travolta.
  46. Sal: His eyes are too small for his nose. Who is THAT?
  47. Me: Stockard Channing.
  48. Sal: She does NOT look like she'd be in High School.
  49. Henry: Please tell me no one dressed or walked like this in real life. I don't think the Elvis looking guy knows his blondie girl is at this school.
  50. Henry: Did he just put a frog in her purse?
  51. Me: You were right about those guys.
  52. Henry: they are the jackass badasses, is Elvis one of those guys?
  53. Sal: Yeah.
  54. Henry: Do they just sit at the football practice and and make fun of everyone?
  55. Me: Yeah.
  56. Sal: I don't like these people. They're all rude.
  57. Me: Sandy doesn't seem rude.
  58. Sal: So?
  59. Henry: I love this movie. Wait ARE THEY ALL JUST SINGING?!?! SUDDENLY!?
  60. Me: Yeah. that's what happens in High School.
  61. Henry: Seriously? Did this just suddenly happen?? He's singing about her and she's singing about him? Weird. They both don't know they're in the same school?? You can tell that crazy girl is lip syncing. You can tell they're all lip syncing.
  62. Sal: The 50's look stupid. Elvis has a crazy chin dimple.
  63. Henry: Anyone can have a dimple like that, if they take a knife and just carve one out.
  64. Sal: Yeah, I'm sure the principal says "Quiet" and they're all quiet. That doesn't happen.
  65. Henry: WHY IS HE ACTING LIKE THAT TO SANDY?!?!
  66. Me: Why do you think?
  67. Henry: 'Cause he's a jackass.
  68. Me: Henry you can't say that word again, ok..... but yeah.
  69. Henry: Rizzo and these girls Sandy is friends with are the bad girls. Alllright!!!
  70. Sal: This is boring.
  71. Henry: Are they kissing in the car? Oh my god they are licking each other!! CHINESE KISSING!!
  72. Me: Chinese kissing?
  73. Henry: Uh, what is it, Japanese kissing? French... oh yeah french kissing.
  74. (Greased Lightning comes on)
  75. Henry: Too much singing. Can I turn this off?
  76. Beatrix walks in: Oh look at all the princesses dancing!
  77. Sal: Those cars don't look fast, they look like hippos.
  78. Henry: OH MY GOD LOOK AT SANDY SHE'S A BAD GIRL NOW!
  79. Sal: Those pants.
  80. Henry: Grandad and I went on the Gravitron 2 times last week.
  81. Me: You did not!
  82. Henry: Yeah, twice, I puked.
  83. Me: YOU DID NOT TAKE MY DAD ON THE GRAVITRON TWICE!
  84. Henry: I did. See that one ride in the movie? It looks so boring, it must be a 'kissing ride', the kind you go on just to kiss people?
  85. Me: Chinese Kiss them?
  86. Henry: Har-Har. Green screen car flying into the SKY!!!!!


  87. 30 Aug 2011   397 notes  
  88. Happy 91st Birthday Gram

                                         

    Just noticed, I caught the moment Beatrix hit the gas on Gram’s scooter and they both thought they were going to die.


  89. 25 Aug 2011   67 notes  
  90. Sal (age 10) and I (age 33) watch Dirty Dancing together for the first time. (I'm no longer the only living white girl over 30 who hasn't seen it)

  91. Me: That would be a nice place to go on vacation.
  92. Sal: Seems boring.
  93. Me: It's nice there, it's a quaint mountain resort. I really like that her name is Baby.
  94. Sal: Why do the watermelons look like that, all long?
  95. Me: Oh God, you're right. Watermelons always used to look like that.
  96. Sal: They're all round now. Did they really used to be long?
  97. Me: Yeah, that's freaking me out. Science changed them, genetically modified.
  98. Sal: She's just going right into the staff area? BOLD!
  99. Me: WAIT. A. MINUTE. Look at them dancing. They're just rubbing their penises and vaginas on each other. No wonder all of my friends in Jr.High School loved this.
  100. Sal: Why is that girl crying.
  101. Me: They said she was 'knocked up', she's pregnant.
  102. Sal: Why is she flipping out about it.
  103. Me: It's a big deal, and it's 1963 so it's a bigger deal. Women could not have babies without husbands back then.
  104. Sal: Oh my god, in the old days you couldn't have sex until you were married!?!
  105. Me: We'll talk about this later.
  106. Sal: Wait, so Baby's going to take her place dancing so she can have an abortion? This is weird.
  107. Me: It's really funny.
  108. Sal: Why can she only do it on Thursday?? Can't she get it another day?
  109. Me: The guy said that was the only appointment that week.
  110. Sal: They could have waited.
  111. Me: I think he's going to kill Baby.
  112. Sal: Why are they fighting?
  113. Me: The botched abortion stressed them out. Oh, I have shorts like that. I'm going to call them my Baby shorts. I should totally buy all of these outfits from the movie and wear them all next summer.
  114. Sal: (seriously) No. Don't.
  115. Me: Why?
  116. Sal: I don't like them.
  117. Me: Baby touched his bum!
  118. Sal: Ohhhhh.
  119. Me: Baby's going to need to get an abortion.
  120. Sal: She can just get her Dad to do it, but he'll yell at her.
  121. Me: I think they might really be in love, Wow, so they are falling in love and having sex on the night their friend had a botched abortion?
  122. Sal: It brought them together. Who is that guy?
  123. Me: It's Johnny!
  124. Sal: There are too many guys in this movie, there are like 4 guys that look the same.Wait. Wasn't he just mad at Baby, not they're in bed again.
  125. Me: I wonder if Sarah Silverman has ever dressed up like Baby's sister Lisa when she sings "Hula Hana" for Halloween. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlT35Ote09c
  126. Sal: Oh she does look like her.
  127. Me: This is getting boring. But it's still a good summer movie.
  128. Sal: Where do the parents think Baby is going every night?
  129. Me: Her Dad is having a terrible vacation.
  130. Sal: Why doesn't Johnny just tell her Dad he didn't get the blondie pregnant.
  131. Me: Writers do that a lot, the accused doesn't defend himself because he is poor, or underprivileged or whatever, in comparison to the person accusing him. He'll figure it out later and feel bad.
  132. Sal: What?
  133. Me: Nevermind. The sister Lisa just said "You're pretty in your own way", that means "You're ugly"
  134. Sal: 'Shhhhe's like the wind!"
  135. Me: Weird, I like the "Nobody puts baby in the corner" part. I never thought that line would be good in any of the scenes I imagined it could be in.
  136. JAMES WALKS IN: Oh god, this is so CHEESY. Even at the time it was cheesy, right? The Righteous Brothers? Super lame. I've had the time of my life. Totally embarrassing.
  137. Sal: Oh my god, the Dad is mad again. At least he said he was wrong to Johnny.
  138. Me: Patrick Swayze looks Native American.
  139. Sal: I've never even heard this version of 'Time of my Life", I've only heard the Black Eyed Peas version.
  140. Me: You're living a tough life kid.
  141. Sal: Are there bloopers? I like it at the end when there are bloopers.


  142. 10 Aug 2011   216 notes  
  143. Henry's wearing a 'Beatles' t-shirt

  144. Henry, 7: Who's that?
  145. Beatrix, 2: That's Paul, George, John and the guy with the nose


  146. 16 Jul 2011   56 notes  
  147. Henry and I watching LaBamba

  148. SCENE: COUPLE HAVING SEX IN WOODS
  149. Me: What are they doing!?!?
  150. Henry: Look at their faces, they're being bitten by spiders.


  151. 15 Jul 2011   74 notes  
  152. Husband, Henry (age 7) and I trying to pick a movie on Netflix

  153. Me: We should watch 'See No Evil, Hear No Evil'. I loved that when I was a kid. But I think there's a lot of swearing in it or a lot of sex. I can't remember which.
  154. Husband: There's probably a lot of sex in it if you liked it, you love sex, you have three kids.
  155. Henry: Dad, don't act like it's all her fault. It's not like you're her Uncle or something.


  156. 10 Jul 2011   273 notes  
  157. Does this count as planking?

    Does this count as planking?


  158. 09 Jul 2011   126 notes  
  159. Is it terrible that I call the 2 year old Garfunkel?

    Is it terrible that I call the 2 year old Garfunkel?


  160. 07 Jul 2011   129 notes  
  161. Father and Son at dinner

  162. James: Some laws are stupid.
  163. Henry: Like the one where you can't marry two women.


  164. 04 Jul 2011   80 notes  
  165. Henry & I are watching the original Superman movie

  166. Henry: So he's a secret superhero who works at a newspaper, he has a crush on the girl he works with, and the boss hates the superhero?
  167. Me: Yeah.
  168. Henry: THIS IS JUST SPIDERMAN.


  169. 26 Jun 2011   122 notes  
  170. Henry is so fucking weird.
    We’re watching one of my favorite movies from 1989, ‘The Wizard’.
    There was a short shot of kids on the stairs at VIDEO ARMAGEDDON and Henry said,

    "Hey, that little kid on the end is Spiderman "
    He’s right, it’s Tobey Maguire.




    I thought he was going to say “There’s Abed”


  171. 17 Jun 2011   50 notes  

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kelly oxford



Twitter:@kellyoxford

1977
Writer
Previously described as: your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Currently described as: your mom.
If I were a mood board you would see:
gold, klonopin, a photo of David Sedaris drinking my breast milk and more gold... gold forever.


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