Totally burned by Cosmo Magazine
I recently wrote this:
I know the magazine had already wrapped up their December issue when this was set, but that kind of makes the inadvertent burn 100% more effective….
WELL PLAYED, WORLD!!!
Ps- #4 Was a quote about dry humping, from Cameron Diaz
THE JESUS WALMART RECIEPT!
That is some scary shit right there, but I’ll tell you something?
It isn’t Jesus. If it’s someone who is alive, it’s a wide eyed Harry Dean Stanton, but I don’t even think this ghoul is him.
No, it isn’t Jesus, Jesus was hot. I would have had sex with Jesus.
That’s a face, alright, but it’s the face of the receipt recipients stalker ghost.
That’s the ghost that tangles jewellery, and when you’re about to fall asleep and you jerk awake, it’s because THAT GHOST is finishing sex with you.
That’s the face he makes when he’s done finishing sex with you.
Or, it’s just Harry Dean Stanton.
Dreamt I met Brad Pitt in The View greenroom
- Brad: hey.
- Me: hi, my husband is over there kissing a girl. Who do I punch? Him, right?
- Brad: yeah, you have to punch him.
- Me: I know.
- *punch husband repeatedly, return to my chair*
- Brad: so?
- Me: I feel terrible.
- Brad: I know.
- *Brad opens arms and I hug him*
- Brad: I'm going to call you October Ballerina.
- Me: okay. Have a good interview.
- Brad: naw, it will be terrible.
- Me: it will be great.
- *brad stares at me as he's escorted to the stage, longingly, like he's losing the love of his life*
So last night…
I had a ‘real-time’ dream, like the show ‘24’, where every minute was an actual minute…
I was at a restaurant, late at night, and Brad Pitt was there and was super intense (not 12 Monkeys intense) and he wanted me to come back to the hotel with him and I DIDN’T. He ASKED me to come back to his hotel room with him, and I thought my dream was REAL and I didn’t! He had a boner when we were hugging goodbye and he was asking me to come back to his room AND I DIDN’T.
I’m such a fucking decent person, it’s ridiculous.
ps- Dennis Quaid was there with Brad, but he thought I was bullshit.
Henry is so fucking weird.
We’re watching one of my favorite movies from 1989, ‘The Wizard’.
There was a short shot of kids on the stairs at VIDEO ARMAGEDDON and Henry said,
"Hey, that little kid on the end is Spiderman "
He’s right, it’s Tobey Maguire.
I thought he was going to say “There’s Abed”
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER (The Weird And Fantastic Story Of Davids)
BLAINE & COPPERFIELD
Guys I liked better when they were fat.
I’m freaking out a bit. When I google image search for fat Marc Jacobs, it’s REALLY hard to find a fat Marc Jacobs photo. It’s almost like it didn’t exist. I mean, I’ve just googled for 15 minutes straight and cannot find the ‘sweaty taking a bow on the runway’ photos. They used to be all over the place, there was a time when he was only fat.
Okay, so one guy I liked better fat was Marc Jacobs:
I’m sure most people disagree with me. He is a fine looking skinny man, but fat Marc just seems so much nicer, skinny Marc is a bitch.
The second guy is also in fashion.
THIS is the Karl I grew up with:
Goddamn I love Fat Karl.
German fat Karl. I love him.
Now we have this Karl:
WTF KARL! DO NOT WANT!!!
The Third Guy is Drew Carey.
And God I love Drew, I’m happy he’s happy and healthy…but I’m not reconciled with the fact that I will probably never (surgery?) see Fat Drew again.
ADDENDUM: Just read that it wasn’t surgery and he no longer has diabetes, so I guess I can’t wish him fat again, I’ll just have to assimilate the new look into the ‘this is normal now’ file
Okay, so just for good measure…
My favorite fat guy gone skinny is Peter Jackson.
Peter, you look like you ate Dominic Monaghan (far left):
And then lost the weight and became some half Jackson half Monaghan hybrid
But oh my god. honey?
You look so much healthier as a thin man.
And just think, maybe one day all of your Fat Peter photos will be difficult to google image search, just like old Fat Marc.