1. OH MY GOD, IT TOOK A YEAR BUT I TOTALLY FIGURED IT OUT

    image

    Yesterday I woke up from an insanely vivid and detailed dream.
    Anyone else?

    Figure out what these dates mean:
    CLICK THIS FOR PREVIOUS POSTS ABOUT THE DREAM WEEKS.
    week of
    September 28th, 2011
    August 16th, 2011
    July 11th, 2011
    April 18th, 2011
    January 3rd, 2011
    October 4th 2010
    August 9th 2010

    FOR PEOPLE NEW TO THE BLOG:

    it seems every few months, people who don’t usually remember their dreams do. And this always happens at the same time for everyone. The last two days were light, but last night was insane.

    Last night was a New Moon, a New Moon is when 0% of the moon is visible.

    I went through every other date we’ve recorded on this blog over the past year and all of them but one occurred on a New Moon OR a Full Moon, but the majority were New Moons.

    So basically more people wake up during an REM cycle (where we experience the most vivid and realistic dreams) when there is a lack of moon, or a full moon. When you wake up in the middle of an REM cycle, you remember your dreams.

    I DID A YEAR WORTH OF DATA COLLECTING AND TWO MINUTES OF RESEARCH!! I NEED A DIPLOMA!!

    Awwwwwwww, guys…. WE SO SENSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE’RE SCIENCE BAGS!!


  2. 28 Sep 2011   176 notes  
  3. VIVID DREAM TIME AGAIN

    Looks like for the past 4 days or so, everyone has been having super vivid dreams?
    I’ve noticed a spike in ‘dream talk’ on Twitter, AND I’ve been having them myself for the last 3 nights.

    I still have no idea why this happens at the same time to large quantities of people, but I want to figure it out. I’ve been recording this on my blog for over a year and these are the times it has happened.
    It’s funny, because in years past I’d always said “It happens about 5 times a year.” And it looks like it was exactly 5 times in the last year.

    CLICK THIS FOR PREVIOUS POSTS ABOUT THE DREAM WEEKS.
    So, it’s the week of July 11th.
    Previous weeks include:
    April 18th
    January 3rd
    October 4th 2010
    August 9th 2010


    CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FIGURE THIS OUT LIKE JESSICA FLETCHER?
    HAVE YOU BEEN HAVING THEM?


  4. 15 Jul 2011   122 notes  
  5. So last night…

    I had a ‘real-time’ dream, like the show ‘24’, where every minute was an actual minute…
    I was at a restaurant, late at night, and Brad Pitt was there and was super intense (not 12 Monkeys intense) and he wanted me to come back to the hotel with him and I DIDN’T. He ASKED me to come back to his hotel room with him, and I thought my dream was REAL and I didn’t! He had a boner when we were hugging goodbye and he was asking me to come back to his room AND I DIDN’T.
     I’m such a fucking decent person, it’s ridiculous.


    ps- Dennis Quaid was there with Brad, but he thought I was bullshit.


  6. 02 Jul 2011   52 notes  
  7. Dream

    Last night I dreamt  I was watching a movie trailer- Philip Seymour Hoffman kicked an elephant.

     

    Analysis: If Philip Seymour Hoffman appears in your dreams you are frustrated or feeling stuck. Elephants in dreams generally represent slowness.

    I totally just made that accurate sounding bullshit up. It’s what I do.


  8. 10 Aug 2010   17 notes  
  9. DREAM:



    I was walking through my room when the phone rang.
    Kelly: Hello?
    Oprah: Hi Kelly? This is Oprah Winfrey.
    I sit down on my bed. Realizing I’m probably live on TV and getting nervous about sounding like an idiot to millions of people.
    Kelly: Oh my God OPRAH????
    Oprah: Yes, it’s really me.
    At this point, I notice the audience isn’t cheering. Audiences ALWAYS cheer when Oprah surprises someone. She isn’t in her studio. She’s in her office.
    I panic. I panic so badly that I actually wake myself up.
    I hate this story, but I haven’t had a celeb cameo dream in awhile so I thought I’d document it.


  10. 24 Mar 2010   6 notes  
  11. DREAM:

    On set. Filming episode of Roseanne.

    Int. Kitchen - morning

    ROSEANNE is at the sink washing dishes. She’s wearing elastic waistband jeans and a large flower print cotton top. Her hair is set in curlers and she wears no makeup.
    DAN enters in a white tank top and carpenters pants. His hair is sweaty and stuck to his face.

    Roseanne: Just so you know, I found one.
    Dan: What?
    Dan grabs an apple with his left hand throws it up in the air, when it comes down he snaps it against his inner elbow and back into the air to catch it with his left hand.
    Roseanne: Dan, I found a BABY!
    Dan: Oh Rosie, no!!
    Dan puts the entire apple into his mouth and swallows. He then swings his left arm around like a fan.
    Roseanne: (upset, whining) But DAAAAAN I really want one, what happens when these kids get old and leave and there’s no one to do nothin’ for me around the house anymore Dan?
    Dan: ROSE-ANNE!
    Dan does the wave with his left arm.
    Roseanne: Look if it doesn’t work we can give the baby to Jackie.
    Dan looks at Roseanne and pops his open mouth with the palm of his left hand.
    Roseanne: Alright. She’d just crate it or somethin’, but maybe she’d settle down Dan, I don’t like that she’s a cop.
    Dan starts to put on his shirt. I run onto the set to help him.
    He is missing his right arm. I pull his plaid flannel shirt over his stump and help him button it up.
    Dan: We can’t get a baby now. I just lost my arm last week. I’m the baby right now Roseanne. I’M THE BABY.
    Darlene and DJ enter the kitchen. He’s 4, thin with dark hair and wearing a onesie pajama. Darlene is 12, her hair is in a side ponytail. She is wearing an all jean outfit.
    Darlene: I am NOT changing his diaper.
    DJ: I’d do it for you Dad.
    Roseanne: Aw DJ, don’t ever get smarter okay?

    THE END


  12. 09 Mar 2010   12 notes  
  13. Dream:



    Dreamed ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ in its entirety.
    Only Gene Hackman wasn’t Royal Tenenbaum, he was Harry Caul from ‘The Conversation’.


  14. 22 Feb 2010   2 notes  
  15. DREAM

    Matthew Perry is interviewing me for some sort of job.
    We make out, then he offers me tater-tots.
    His secretary comes in the room and we both check out her ass in her dress pants.
    She leaves, we eat some more tater-tots in silence and then make out again.
    On my way out he says, “Stick a fork in THAT Canada.”


  16. 21 Oct 2009   1 note  
  17. DREAM



    I found a cheese soufflé in a hotel lobby as I waited for elevators. Rushed around to find a spoon while a crowd gathered.
    Found a spoon and smashed it into soufflé.
    An irate Alfred Molina runs through the staring crowd as elevators open.
    “What are you doing???!!!!” he shouts.
    Elevators *ding*
    Crowd waits for a scene.
    He continues, “I was saving that soufflé for Kelly!”
    I look into his red face,
    "That’s my name too" and take a bite as I get on the elevator.


  18. 20 Oct 2009   2 notes  
  19. DREAM


    Samantha Ronson sends me a pair of silver Nike high tops with the note,

    "Your silver loafers are way too gay."


  20. 17 Sep 2009   0 notes  
  21. DREAM

    Nathan Fillion breaks up with my best friend and starts dating me.
    He shows up at my house in the middle of the night,
    "Wake up the baby! I want to play with her!"
    I refuse. He then asks,
    "Wait, who is sexier? Me or You?"

    I realize he has a classic case of only child syndrome; I must break up with him.
    Suddenly, an idea.
    "Let’s go to that Grey’s Anatomy hospital"
    On the way to the hospital we watch an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
    "NO WONDER THIS IS AS POPULAR AS IT IS! IT’S IRRESISTIBLE" I shout from the limo window.
    Nathan’s ex-girlfriend (not my best friend, another ex), a doctor with perfect breasts and an unimaginably smooth ponytail, approaches us.
    She looks at my baby, she looks at Nathan.
    I say, “Oh, the baby isn’t his, but he really is a natural Father!”
    This is working. It is all over her face.
    She wants him back. She wants his babies. Seeing him with me and this baby has caused her to ovulate.
    "Can we go talk outside? On that bridge?" She says, then looks at me almost apologetically.
    He nods, and as they walk out the door I yell,
    "I really hope you two get back together"
    Confused looks.

    THE END


  22. 17 Sep 2009   4 notes  
  23. DREAM

    Jon and Kate Gosselin are in a twin sized bed with me. I worry I’m too close to Jon.
    Suddenly we are all outside waiting in ‘Gravedigger’, the monster truck, for Jon and Kate’s +8 to come home from school.
    I have a burger on my lap. The names Jon + Kate are written on the wrapper.
    I open it up. It’s a Chicken Burger which then turns into a Beef Burger with macaroni and cheese inside.
    Me: “This is yours.”
    Jon: “It isn’t.”
    I show him their names on the wrapper, then show him the macaroni and cheese under the beef patty.
    Kate: “WHAT?”
    Me:”It’s macaroni… in a burger.”
    Kate: “Is that something you have never seen?”
    Me: “I’ve never seen macaroni in a burger.”
    Kate: Where are the kids, they should be here by now?
    Me: School only let out 20 minutes ago. There are 8 of them. I’m shocked they can get anything done in under an hour.
    Jon: You think our kids look like retards don’t you?
    Me: A little, but it’s not their fault.
    Kate: Nope.


  24. 20 Aug 2009   1 note  
  25. DREAM

    Night, on a basketball court. Cast of Entourage surrounding me, Drama pours cocaine on my chest and Turtle blows it in my face. I play basketball completely high. Suddenly we realize we are surrounded by a young Armenian gang in cars. They have guns, we have guns. The Entourage boys say, “I think we should surrender”
    In a raging cocaine fit I say,
    "NO FUCKING WAY. There are more of us. WE HAVE GUNS"

    I raise my gun in the air and walk towards the Armenians.
    One gets out of the car and I shoot him in the face.
    I then realize that my gun isn’t automatic and I have no idea how to shoot it again.
    Because I’m not an idiot, I figure it out and shoot all of the Armenians in the chest as they approach me or cock their weapons! Awesome!

    The Entourage boys do NOTHING! LAZY!

    We all go back to our “crib”
    In the house I decide I have to get my kids and take it on the lam.
    The boys help me pack, we wake up the kids.

    I’ve buckled the kids in. Car started, I throw it in reverse.
    The boys on the deck of the house suddenly look up.
    A QUIET HELICOPTER WITH ARMENIANS HANGING OFF IT.
    I am still in reverse, but suddenly see hundreds of armed men standing in the driveway.
    They are going to kill us all.
    Cue Game Over Music.


  26. 17 Aug 2009   3 notes  

1 2 Next

eject

kelly oxford



Twitter:@kellyoxford

1977
Writer
Previously described as: your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Currently described as: your mom.
If I were a mood board you would see:
gold, klonopin, a photo of David Sedaris drinking my breast milk and more gold... gold forever.


link directly to blog topics

* kids watching movies
* conversations
* family
* rant
* open letters
* stories
* entertainment
* celebrity cameo dreams
* music monday

Following