eject

Writing down what my husband says as he watches The Bachelorette

James: Look at these guys.
James: The only way to get on this show is if you say yes to these questions: Are you a dick?
James: Do you like tight black t-shirts and arm curls?
James: Do you like attention?
James: Do you have an arm tattoo?
James: Why aren't any of these guys talking about fucking her? That's ALL these guys would be talking about without the cameras there.
James: Look at these guys. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.
James: I can't believe this woman put her kid on this show. "My Dad died, and then my Mom went on this whore show twice."
James: This guy is totally Will Forte.
James: What!? This guy just answered a question with a question.
James (valley girl accent): "I'm not feeling butterflies!! I'm just feeling sick that I have to sit with this guy who answers my questions with questions for another 2 hours."
James: She's crying because she's a total mess.
James: I would hate to get murdered. That would be the fucking worst way to die ever. You'd just be like, "ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL?"
James: As if this woman couldn't find a boyfriend without a TV show.
James: A beard isn't really complete until you can put elastic bands in it, right? That's how I'll know when mine is done.
James: When I was fat a few years ago, in all those pictures, can we just tell people that was your uncle?
James: I'm going on The Bachelor. I'm so fucking done with you Kelly. I'm going on the Bachelor to meet one of these hot ladies who knows what they are looking for.
James: The only thing Tony can do at this point is whip his pants down.
James: I'm going skydiving. Chances of dying are 1:100000, chances of dying in a car 1:4000. I'm going to skydive into the pool. If I died because the chute didn't open, that's a pretty great story for the kids to tell their friends.
James: I want a 60 day membership to this BJ's place.
James: Look at this douchebag's hair.
James: Nice fucking letter, man.
James (Imitating Bachelor): "I have a son named Taylor. He's 5 and a totally sweet kid and he will absolutely bone your daughter Ricky."
James: Stevie is a PARTY MC??
James: Who says 'mincely'? Who the fuck says 'mincely,' come on.
James: You can tell that guy got hit in the head.
James: As if she's gonna pick the Party MC, she has a kid.
James: She picked the Party MC. That's how you know this is buillshit. That's fantastic.
James: You're a biology teacher man. You make 20K a year, what is THIS GIRL supposed to do with you, a biology teacher? She already knows where her vagina is.

talking to a 3 year old

Bea: She isn't that old, her hair isn't grey.
Me: It really is grey, she colors it brown.
Bea: She... colors.. it brown so... people don't know she's an old lady? Weeeeiiiiiirrrd.

Listening to my husband talk to himself as he watches Mad Men.

James: Imagine if we just could just show these people the internet?
James: (about christina hendricks) Oh my God. Look at her. Where did they find this woman?
James: Look at the crotch in those pants.
James: Joan looks like a porno Wilma Flintstone.
James: Oh God, Megan's teeth look like Billy Bob teeth, or like Shane McGowan... if Shane McGowan was really pretty and spoke French.
James: I'd screw Joan but I'd have to do it in the winter, because in the summer she'd get all sweaty. That's why her husband won't bring her to Vietnam.
James: What the fuck?
Me: He isn't really doing that. It's a hallucination, trust me. He's sick. I mean, where would Megan be?
James: I don't think I've ever been so sick that I thought I fucked and murdered someone. Ever. I have NEVER been that sick.

So, Henry (age 8) asks me about the "Horror movie" Human Centipede

Henry: I've wanted to know what it is for a YEAR. A YEAR.
Me: You don't want to know. I wish I didn't know.
Henry: I need to know.
Me: Fine. This guy kidnaps these people and then sews their mouths to each other's buttholes.
Henry: (pulls a really weird face, I've never seen this face on him) What? What do you mean? That guy is crazy.
Me: He has three people. The ones with the mouths on the buttholes eat the poop until they die.
Henry: You've seen this.
Me: No. Gross.
Henry: Okay, so if there are 3 guys then what guy would you want to be? I'd want to be the first guy.
Me: Me too.
Henry: It sounds like a comedy.

Henry, age 8 (AKA: Kids born in the 2000's)

Henry: Is there something wrong with the phone? I've called this number before and it works, but now it just goes "BUUH BUUH BUUH BUUH" when I dial.
Me: That means it's busy.
Henry: What do you mean?

Driving through a strip mall parking lot with my 10 year old, Sal

Sal: Peking House? Isn't that Chinese?
Me: Yeah.
Sal: BILL'S PEKING HOUSE? BILL? Doesn't sound very authentic.

Me and Henry (age 8)

Me: Henry, what can I do to get you to like reading more?! You read really well.
Henry: I don't know, get better books?
Me: Here, this one is really good, "Henry and The Clubhouse"
Henry: You tried to get me to read that one last year by telling me Henry and his friends made drugs in the clubhouse.
Me: I did?
Henry: Yeah.
Me: What about this one? "BFG" is stands for Big Effin' Giant. What is this inscription in the book? This isn't even our book!!! It says, "DEAR JOHNNIE, I LOVED THIS BOOK WHEN I WAS 8 AND I STILL DO. MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM CHARISSE"
Henry: Where did it come from? Who the HECK IS CHARISSE?!
Me: I don't know but you are 8 and this was Johnnie and Charisse's favorite book when they were 8 and your name is Henry and Johnnie and Charisse are probably dead and will haunt you until you read it. You're reading it.
Henry: Ok.

Henry (8) and Sal (10) watching "Marie Antoinette"

Henry: So what, you just like trade your daughter to another country to stop world war two or something?
Henry: They'd better not take that pug from the girl from Spider-man. Oh my GOD they did. I hate France.
Henry: I want a feather pen.
Sal: They are really heavy and hard to write with. You have to dip them in ink. They leave blotches.
Henry: You don't think I know that stuff? I tried to make a feather pen.
Henry: Is he wearing a wig? Why is a big butt dress supposed to be fancy? Everyone likes big butts. They cannot lie. This is where the song probably came from.
Henry: Instead of kissing at the wedding they should do the chicken dance.
Henry: Are there explosions in this?
Henry: Is everyone going to watch them go to bed? Are they dying? Okay is everyone going to go in their room every night?
Henry: Uhhh (boob shot)
Henry: Did they want them to have a kid their first night together?! Um, they kinda have to know each other first. Jeez.
Henry: I can't wait to go to France and eat pastries.
Me: They're just like the ones at the patisserie.
Henry: No. They're better. Mom, it's Paris.
Henry: Do they have to make a baby here at some point? God, that would be annoying. This prince is a weirdo. He makes keys.
Sal: Why is the King with that girl? That's not the queen? Ew!
Henry: What about that pug?
Henry: They said the princess is fooling around, but the prince is never sleeping with her.
Henry: Don't walk behind that huge dress! Peacock! CA-CAWWW!!

Me, Henry and Sal watching Degrassi Jr. High

Sal: Spike will not be pregnant. (pause) WHAT?! She's pregnant?! Maybe she'll get an abortion.
Henry: Like Chinese people do?
Sal/Me: WHAT?!?!
Henry: You know, in China they abort the girls. God, you two know nothing.

Driving home with Sal (10) and Henry (8) who are playing the "Yellow Car" game

Me: Ok. You guys, the yellow car that we are going to pass in 3 blocks does not count anymore. It's always parked there and you've called it too many times.
Henry: What?!
Me: You've called it too much, you both know it's there. I don't want a screaming match for a 'point' over that car.... I'm hereby determining it NULL. No points for the yellow car coming up.
Sal: YELLOW CAR!!
Henry: Where?
Me: SAL I TOLD YOU THIS ONE DOESN'T COUNT!!!
Henry: YELLOW CAR!!!
Me: Henry, Sal just called it and I told you that you can't call that car! It's NULL!
Henry: She couldn't even call it back there! She couldn't see it!
Sal: Yes I could!
Me: Yeah, she could totally see it and this is EXACTLY why I determined the car to be NULL.
Sal/Henry: I GET THE POINT!!!
* I STOP THE CAR *
Me: Both of you get out and walk home. You both are BACK TO ZERO POINTS IN YOUR YELLOW CAR GAME! Get out, walk.
Sal: Ok.
* KIDS START GETTING OUT OF THE CAR *
Me: GET BACK IN THE CAR RIGHT NOW!!!!
* I start driving *
Me: If you guys got abducted what would I tell the police?? 'Oh, yeah Officer, I kicked them out of the car because of the Yellow Car Game. You know, it was annoying' NO WAY! I am not gonna become the bad guy here, not now, not on my watch!!!!
Sal: You're insane.
Henry: YELLOW CAR!
Sal: ARRRRGH!!

Putting Bea (age 3) to bed

Bea: I love you the mostest in the world.
Me: I love you the most, you are my sweetest little tiniest baby ever.
Bea: I love you the most, you are my sweetest oldest Mommy ever.... a fossil Mommy. You are a fossil.

Sal comes in room, 9:55pm

Sal: Mom, I can't sleep. I'm not the average person.
Me: What? Go to bed!
Sal: The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes. OH MY GOD IS THAT A 9VOLT BATTERY?! CAN I PUT IT ON MY TONGUE?
Me: What is wrong with you?
Sal: CAN I?!!!! I love how it feels.

Henry, age 7

Henry: A kid ran away from home and died because he was grounded from Xbox? It would have been so much smarter to just get a Wii.

Sal (age 10) Henry (age 7) and Me (age 33) Watch "Grease" for the first time.

Henry: What the heck? They're kissing on the beach saying "don't go"? What is this? The end of the movie?
Henry: What the heck? Is that Elvis?
Henry: What the heck is with this cartoon? What are hooties? Is that another word for hooters?
Henry: Are those guys the jackasses in this movie? Yeah, I think these guys are the jackasses.
Henry: Elvis smokes?
Me: Isn't Elvis. It's John Travolta.
Sal: His eyes are too small for his nose. Who is THAT?
Me: Stockard Channing.
Sal: She does NOT look like she'd be in High School.
Henry: Please tell me no one dressed or walked like this in real life. I don't think the Elvis looking guy knows his blondie girl is at this school.
Henry: Did he just put a frog in her purse?
Me: You were right about those guys.
Henry: they are the jackass badasses, is Elvis one of those guys?
Sal: Yeah.
Henry: Do they just sit at the football practice and and make fun of everyone?
Me: Yeah.
Sal: I don't like these people. They're all rude.
Me: Sandy doesn't seem rude.
Sal: So?
Henry: I love this movie. Wait ARE THEY ALL JUST SINGING?!?! SUDDENLY!?
Me: Yeah. that's what happens in High School.
Henry: Seriously? Did this just suddenly happen?? He's singing about her and she's singing about him? Weird. They both don't know they're in the same school?? You can tell that crazy girl is lip syncing. You can tell they're all lip syncing.
Sal: The 50's look stupid. Elvis has a crazy chin dimple.
Henry: Anyone can have a dimple like that, if they take a knife and just carve one out.
Sal: Yeah, I'm sure the principal says "Quiet" and they're all quiet. That doesn't happen.
Henry: WHY IS HE ACTING LIKE THAT TO SANDY?!?!
Me: Why do you think?
Henry: 'Cause he's a jackass.
Me: Henry you can't say that word again, ok..... but yeah.
Henry: Rizzo and these girls Sandy is friends with are the bad girls. Alllright!!!
Sal: This is boring.
Henry: Are they kissing in the car? Oh my god they are licking each other!! CHINESE KISSING!!
Me: Chinese kissing?
Henry: Uh, what is it, Japanese kissing? French... oh yeah french kissing.
(Greased Lightning comes on)
Henry: Too much singing. Can I turn this off?
Beatrix walks in: Oh look at all the princesses dancing!
Sal: Those cars don't look fast, they look like hippos.
Henry: OH MY GOD LOOK AT SANDY SHE'S A BAD GIRL NOW!
Sal: Those pants.
Henry: Grandad and I went on the Gravitron 2 times last week.
Me: You did not!
Henry: Yeah, twice, I puked.
Me: YOU DID NOT TAKE MY DAD ON THE GRAVITRON TWICE!
Henry: I did. See that one ride in the movie? It looks so boring, it must be a 'kissing ride', the kind you go on just to kiss people?
Me: Chinese Kiss them?
Henry: Har-Har. Green screen car flying into the SKY!!!!!