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Open Letter to the Internet,

News of my deal with NBC hit you today, and I think I understand why some people say stuff like this…

“Because Twitter-account-based TV projects always turn out SO great!
It’s amazing how NBC continues to pick up insanely mediocre comedies and kick shows like Community and Parks and Rec to the curb.”

But I’m here to point out what the actual articles say but the readers seem to miss - that unlike “Shit My Dad Says”, I was not approached by producers to turn my tweets into a TV show-  though that would have been great too because I like money.
(Also, re: Community/P&R comment, networks don’t cancel shows to make way for ‘mediocre comedy’, they cancel any show because of low numbers and I doubt that will ever change.)

In Feb of 2010 I wrote a spec pilot, a screenplay, to get an agent… it got me an agent and then that  convinced me I could sell it, and I did- to CBS (after I sat in on 4 network meetings, pitching it on ativan, while holding in stress diarrhea.) This year I hustled and pitched like an asshole and left my kids with my family so I could meet with execs all over LA and this project came to fruition. I also wrote an entire book (not half a book.) Yes, I tweet, but I’m a writer who pounds the pavement and rents cars and drives all over LA with all of her stupid ideas who also happens to tweet.

The ‘non famous person followed by famous people’ twitter thing sets me apart from the thousands of other writers out there working on pilots so (I assume) that is why Huffpo and Deadline and Reuters mention it. Fun mental image, but I don’t go into meetings wearing a twitter crown, talking about tweets, or how many followers I have. Twitter ‘broke’ who I was, and people will always be mad at me for that, but that’s not my problem. I’m a writer who is a housewife in Canada, the internet was my open mic and after years of using it, I was finally heard. I may use jokes in my screenplays that I’ve worked out on twitter, but that’s because my notepad is kind of public.. I guess it doesn’t really have to be, but I like Twitter. A lot.
Some people do the groundlings, UCB or second city. Some people go to film school. I had babies and wrote screenplays, stories and blogs on my computer.

Will it help some  gross jealous monsters people to know that I’ve only managed to sell 3 of my ideas after being in 46 rooms with execs? Probably. Enjoy that biscuit, cuties.

So, Internet? I keep reading that my twitter feed is being turned into a TV show, and I will tell you here and now, if someone is turning my feed into a TV show I will sue that person because it isn’t me. I don’t even know what turning a twitter feed into a show means. Also, let’s all hold out on celebrating until NBC announces what pilots they are making this year.

Yours forever I fucking love you internet,
Kelly

Totally burned by Cosmo Magazine

I recently wrote this:


I know the magazine had already wrapped up their December issue when this was set, but that kind of makes the inadvertent burn 100% more effective….

TOUCHE
WELL PLAYED, WORLD!!!

Ps- #4 Was a quote about dry humping, from Cameron Diaz

Letter from a stranger…

Commas, how do they work?

Did you guys see Kim Kardashian’s Twitter background?

I don’t know if it’s a promo for the show, or what…
But i feel like this went down:

Kim: Oh- Em- Gee!!! I look fierce and so skinny!!!!
Khloe: Holy shit I look hot!
Kourtney: Guys, do I look cross-eyed and buck-toothed??
Kim/Khloe: NO!!

addendum: to the person who said “Please stop feeding them”
I’m not. I don’t watch their show, buy magazines with them on the cover, buy their clothing or perfume. I’m not feeding them anything. That’s like saying ‘don’t talk about the Nazi’s, you’re giving them power.’ BALONEY! xoxo

Oh no he did not with that ring.

Twenty Facts about Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Kelly can’t drink - she absorbs water from her surroundings by osmosis.
2. Only twelve people have ever set foot on Kelly.
3. A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to 20 bananas, which are individually known as Kelly.
4. Dolphins sleep at night just below the surface of Kelly, and frequently rise to the surface for air.
5. Kelly was originally green, and actually contained cocaine.
6. Kelly is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.
7. Kelly never said ‘Play it again, Sam’.
8. Kelly can give birth ten days after being born, and is born pregnant.
9. The difference between Kelly and a village is that Kelly does not have a church.
10. It took Kelly 22 years to build the Taj Mahal.
11. If you lie on your back with your legs stretched it is impossible to sink in Kelly.
12. If you chew gum while peeling kelly then it will stop you from crying.
13. Human beings are the only animals that copulate while facing Kelly.
14. If you cut Kelly in half and count the number of seeds inside, you will know how many children you are going to have.
15. Kelly can only be destroyed by intense heat, and is impermeable even to acid.
16. It takes 17 muscles to smile, and 43 to frown at Kelly.
17. Kelly was named after Kelly the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’.
18. Baskin Robbins once made kelly flavoured ice cream.
19. Kelly is the sacred animal of Thailand.
20. Kelly will often rub up against people to lay her scent and mark her territory.

Don’t make a Wang a Wong

Early last week there was a great sale online and I found an Alexander Wang bag I’d wanted for ages, on sale, from $700 down to $260. I put it in my basket, but it turned out it was already sold out.



20 of them popped up on Ebay in the days following the sale, with opening prices of $400-$500
Doy, those assholes bought the sale bags and are trying to turn a profit!
They even left the ‘return’ tags on them in case they don’t sell.
Look, I’m all for creative money making, BUT I WANTED ONE OF THOSE BAGS!!!!!
After losing the dark grey, I tried the other colors, but they were sold out too.

Tonight I saw that one of the bags on Ebay had a “Make an Offer” option.
This was my offer:
I’m offering you the price you paid for the bag on ******.com last week MINUS $20. $240.  I tried to buy it myself off the site, but was too late, you were much faster than me.
Now it kinda feels ‘used’, so I docked you the $20.  Too bad.

I’m sure the seller is laughing at me, I’d laugh at me if I was the seller, but I REALLY WANTED THAT BAG!! :((

This may be one of the most vile things I’ve ever read….

I mean, outside of child abuse stuff…
For those of you who aren’t aware, Rachel Uchitel (Tiger Woods most famous of mistresses) had a fiancee who was killed in the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade center.
Page Six asked her to discuss her life after losing her fiancee Andy that day, and this is what she said:

“I believe Andy was meant to die because he was too good,” she tells Page Six Magazine, in The Post on Thursday. “I’m almost happy it ended the way it did because I’ve learned so many lessons from him. It would have been tragic if we got into fights and then divorced.” Had O’Grady lived, Uchitel — who went on to reportedly make $500,000 a year working as a VIP hostess at Tao Las Vegas and at New York’s The Griffin, where she met Woods — believes her life would have been much different. “I would be a fat housewife with three kids in Sands Point, LI,”

SO SHE’S HAPPY HE DIED BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE ENDED UP DIVORCED AND SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN A FAT HOUSEWIFE?!?! WHAT THE GOOD GOD DAMN?!?! GIRL! YOU BEST WATCH YOUR BACK, BECAUSE IF I WAS ANDY’S FAMILY I’D BE AFTER YOU! BITCH, PLEASE!!!!!

That said, I look at the photo on the right and I think:
This is her coping mechanism? This is what she tells herself? It’s obvious she isn’t bright, but she must have a heart.