1. Sinead blogs “Someone Come and Sex me”

                                            

    In the 7th grade, while friends were obsessed with NKOTB and Janet Jackson, I was obsessed with Sinead O’Connor.
    My parents friends bought her CD, I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got, hated it and gave it to me. I thank God that they did.
    I loved Sinead, I love Sinead. She was and is every thing I wished I could be at 12 yrs old and at 34 years old- a fearless storyteller, a ferocious voice.
    (I didn’t want to shave my head because my face wasn’t as pretty as hers, I had giant Harry Carray glasses, and I would have been shunned.)

    So this morning I read that Sinead posted a ‘singles’ ad on her website. It’s epic.
    Reminds me that even at 12, my instincts were good. She is indeed, ferocious.
    HERE IS THE PERSONAL AD. I DID NOT FIX HER TYPOS. THEY ONLY ADD TO THE URGENCY OF HER MESSAGE.

    From Sinead:
    My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that’s going to happen to me if I don’t take drastic action.
    Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it’s VERY depressing.

    So I’ve been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives.

    Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.

    He must be no younger than 44.

    Must be living in Ireland but I don’t care if he is from the planet Zog.
    Must not be named Brian or Nigel.

    Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous.

    Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.

    Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.

    I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.

    No hair gel.

    No hair dryer use.

    No hair dye

    Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.

    No after shave.

    Must be very ‘snuggly’. Not just wham-bam.

    Must be wham-bam.

    Has to like his mother.

    Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.

    Has to live in own place.

    I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana

    Applicants can apply through my secretary at vampyahslayah@yahoo.com

    UPDATE:
    I’ve been repeatedly asked will I ‘do anal sex’. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I ‘do anal’ and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if ‘doing anal’ wasn’t on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don’t like ‘the difficult brown’.. Don’t apply… I’ve had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too.

                                  
                           I love Sinead “I’d help Jesus burn down the Vatican” O’Connor.
    OR, AS MY 12 YR OLD SELF LIKED TO SAY, I LOVE HER TO THE POWER OF INFINITY

    ADDENDUM!!!!
    Sinead is on Twitter!
    *dead*
    Sinead is fearless and true and good.
    Everything I believe in.

    RT @howryeh Maybe Adam Clayton wudna turned me down if he’d known I wuda let him nail me in the stink tube.. Said the forlorn chantuese…


  2. 27 Aug 2011   178 notes  


    Notes

    1. trashprincesss reblogged this from kellyoxford
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    5. janedonuts reblogged this from kellyoxford and added:
      Balls!
    6. reekloose said: wow. wow. wow.
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    9. kguthr2 reblogged this from kellyoxford and added:
      I highly suggest reading on..It’s Sinead O’Connor’s glorious personal ad. I can only hope when I grow up, I can be half...
    10. eleanorpie reblogged this from kellyoxford and added:
      This is some of the best shit I’ve read in ages. AGES.
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kelly oxford



Twitter:@kellyoxford

1977
Writer
Previously described as: your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Currently described as: your mom.
If I were a mood board you would see:
gold, klonopin, a photo of David Sedaris drinking my breast milk and more gold... gold forever.


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