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About

kelly oxford


Twitter:@kellyoxford

 1977
Screenwriter.
Previously described as: your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Currently described as: your mom.
If I was a mood board you would see:
gold, klonopin, a photo of David Sedaris drinking my breast milk and more gold... gold forever.


link directly to blog topics

* kids watching movies
* conversations
* family
* rant
* open letters
* stories
 * entertainment
* celebrity cameo dreams
* music monday

Following

17 April 11

15 April 11




HENRY: DAD I’VE BEEN TRYING TO SHOW YOU THIS FOR TEN MINUTES!!!
SOMEONE IS AN IDIOT!!

(hello kitty in a spiderman box)

14 April 11

Sal and I pass a man whose entire face is burned off and is covered in scars.

  • Kelly: Great Sal, now we can't be assholes for the rest of the day.
Posted: 7:19 AM
I just opened the blinds and literally started screaming ‘NO!NOOOOOOOO!’ like I was about to be murdered.

I just opened the blinds and literally started screaming ‘NO!NOOOOOOOO!’ like I was about to be murdered.

13 April 11
white people problems

white people problems

Posted: 4:32 PM
Procrastination = looking at Real Estate.Came across this photo.Who the fuck puts a piece of art like that over their kid’s bed?

Procrastination = looking at Real Estate.
Came across this photo.
Who the fuck puts a piece of art like that over their kid’s bed?

Posted: 9:04 AM

Reblogged:

12 April 11

Husband and Wife watch 'Damages'

  • Me: Did you hear that? She said that was their first fight!
  • James: So?
  • Me: So, they're engaged and that's their FIRST fight? We had our first fight on our second date.
  • James: Thats because you're a bitch.
Posted: 5:53 PM
“ CHILDREN: imagine the most narcissistic adult you know, then strip away their years of experience as human beings.
Posted: 4:05 PM

BUY THIS BUY THIS BUY THIS BUY THIS BUY THIS

                                       



GOOD REASONS:
1. I wrote an essay about SEX and it is in this issue
2. It’s their best-selling issue of all time!!!!!!!*

*conjecture!!!!!!!

Posted: 1:01 PM
“ My period is syncing up with my daddy issues.
11 April 11
HENRY LOOKS THROUGH ADOPTABLE PETS ON THE SPCA WEBSITE“WHOA! IS THAT A MONKEY?! THAT’S A CRAZY LOOKING MONKEY! WHO WOULD EVER, EVER GIVE UP A MONKEY!?!”“Henry, it’s a guinea pig”“Oh, that makes more sense.”

HENRY LOOKS THROUGH ADOPTABLE PETS ON THE SPCA WEBSITE

“WHOA! IS THAT A MONKEY?! THAT’S A CRAZY LOOKING MONKEY! WHO WOULD EVER, EVER GIVE UP A MONKEY!?!”

“Henry, it’s a guinea pig”

“Oh, that makes more sense.”

Posted: 8:57 PM

Henry looking through online adoptable pets on the SPCA website

  • Henry: If that dog's name is Lucky, then why is he at the pound?
  • Henry: When I'm reincarnated I don't want to come back as a dog who ends up at one of these places.
  • Henry: How would you even know which one to pick? This is the most terrible thing you've ever shown me. Can't they just go out on the street and give these guys away?!
  • Henry: How to they euthanize the fish when no one adopts them? Dump a container of fish food in the tank?
  • Henry: When they have to kill that python when no one adopts it, I bet they just chop it's head off. I don't really care if he has to die. Wow, that was a rude thing to say.
Posted: 11:24 AM
“ The world is my oyster, I just look at it and say ‘Gross’
Posted: 10:14 AM
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