January 2011
65 posts
1 tag
Beatrix, 2, up at 4:30 am throwing up.
Me: Okay lay down, go to sleep.
Bea: Okay.
Bea: Mommy, Bebe needs to get up and watch a show.
Me: No, it's the middle of the night.
Bea: Oh. I can't sleep.
Me: Maybe I should put you in your bed and you can sleep in your own room?
Bea: *fake snoring*
--silence--
Bea: Mommy, I'm sleeping.
-- silence --
Bea: I'd like a kitten Mommy.
Bea: A tiny kitty.
Bea: Can I wake up Henry and Sal?
Me: No, you need to sleep, you just threw up.
Bea: Bebe didn't get sick.
Me: Denial. Go to sleep.
Bea: Why do you have a tattoo on your back?
-- silence --
Bea: Why do you have a tattoo on your back? Why do you have a tattoo on your back? Why do you have a tattoo on your back?
Me: I don't know. I was silly.
Bea: You don't like your tattoo?
Me: Not really. I did for a long time, but not anymore.
Bea: Just wash it off, silly.
Me: Thanks Einstein.
The only reason I found this photo of Meghan McCain inappropriate, is because it looks like her dad is stuffed down her shirt.
This morning as I ate my morning banana (not a euphemism, I really have a ‘morning’ banana), it occured to me that the Fisher-Price toy phone looks nothing like a phone to my children. ‘Guys? You know that toy phone? The white one with the string you can hold onto and drag the phone around with? The one from Toy Story 3?’
‘Yeah’
‘Does it look anything...
“It’s funny that in this magazine they call this guy who lost his arms and...”
– Sal 9 years old
WatchWatching George Strombo interview Douglas Coupland tonight when this happened. I wish I had a GIF of my reaction, and James’s reaction. Total shock. Thanks George. (spoiler: he mentions me and they both laugh) (Ps- Mr.Coupland, I’m not trying to make this about me, you’re amazing, I was watching the interview for you but then all of a sudden there was me…so)
My thought process...
This afternoon I read, “Jersey Shore has had more seasons than Arrested Development!?” I groaned and then thought to myself- that cannot be true! I wiki’d it. It’s so true! I thought FALL OF ROME. KARDASHIANS. MAYAN CALENDAR! Then I tweeted this, “Looks like ‘Jersey Shore’ is officially going to have more seasons than ‘Arrested Development’....
Husband breathes in Wife's face
Me: Gross your breath smells like beer, peanut butter and toothpaste.
He: A menage a trois.
“So the teacher said, “The Minister of Education is visiting the...”
– Salinger, after school
1 tag
Wife listening to Husband talk to himself as he...
James: We don't need to see him have the exact same conversation with every girl. We're here to see the girls fight.
James: If you ever run at me and try to jump into my arms, there's a good chance that I won't catch you.
James: (valley girl voice) 'That looks comfy!' Let me just put this blanket on the fuckin' rocks. He really knows how to treat a lady. Hey there are chairs everywhere but this blanket on the rocks seems better.
James: Sitting on the fucking floor. Enough of that, right Emily?
James: Awesome they're starting to cry.
James: Personal breakdowns.
James: She's all snotty.
James: That makeup is totally waterproof, it doesn't come off at all.
James: On American Idol if they exploit your tragedy and your house- you're in! On Bachelor if they show you whining and crying -you're out!
James: If there wasn't a camera there that guy would be running, running like a bastard.
James: I hope they have their shots.
James: I'm totally going on the Bachelor next season.
James: I have a lot to offer these ladies.
James: Wait, no wonder this show takes so fucking long. He has a stash of roses. This show should take a week, tops.
James: She's not getting one. She's not getting one. That one is crazy as shit.
James: Why does that 'last rose' dude have to come out? Where is he the whole time? Behind a curtain with his pants around his ankles?
James: LAST ROOOOOOOSE.
James: If you didn't get a rose, get out.
James: Look at how she's walking. She's zany. You don't know anything about zany girls.
James: Look at how many girls he has left, is this going to be on until July?
James: Awesome they're all breaking down.
James: Wait the Kardashian's have another show now? That's how I know the Mayan Calendar is real. End of fucking days. I bet there's a carving, a glyph of Kim and her fucking sister on the Mayan calendar. But not the giant one, because they would have thought she was a monster.
“Marking email I’ve subscribed to as ‘Spam’, instead of...”
A Man and his Pot
Yesterday, James made himself oatmeal. I found the pot in the sink: “James, can you clean your oatmeal pot? It’s an oatmeal pot and oatmeal pots are gross.”
James was annoyed, “Did I ask you to wash the pot? I’ll clean it, you don’t need to tell me to clean it.”
“I promise you, I won’t clean your oatmeal pot.” “What’s your...
1 tag
James and I are holding the iPad trying to pick a...
Me: What about this one?
James: YES!! THEY WILL LOVE THAT!!
Henry: Is it 'The Toy' with Richard Pryor?
Me: ----- How did you know that?
Henry: I don't know.
Beatrix week continues
Guys?? This kid follows choreography.
It’s bizarre.
The head of the dance studio’s 2yr old daughter has NOTHING on Beatrix. She followed the teacher’s movements with precision and excitement while the other toddlers ran around screaming and pulling on their diapers. What I’m trying to say here is this: Some ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ pageant Mom in Alabama would...
1 tag
1 tag
Wife listening to her husband talk to himself as...
James: What is she wearing?
James: Oh No.
James: She's not bad.
James: Whoa that was bad.
James: I like Randy's new look on him. The tie, that British schoolboy thing?
James: What the fuck is she singing?
James: JLo sounds like she's black. I wasn't looking at the TV and I thought she was black.
James: Holy Christ. What the fuck? Oh My god.
James: Okay this guy gets through... they don't hang out with the contestant for the day unless they get through.
James: (New Hampshire accent) "He fell out of the wheelchair! Robbie! Robbie! Robbie! Get up!"
James: Okay, let's see some more losers. We watch this show for the losers.
James: OH MY GOD did you see that girl fall down the stairs? I can't believe they're showing that. 'Look at this fat-assed loser falling down the stairs, we're showing that TEN TIMES'
James: It's so sad. That poor girl.
James: Jlo is married to a guy called Marc Antony? Like Cleopatra?
James: Oh my God. WHOA. He's got a rotten banana and he's eating it.
James: What's the mother doing? She's dry humping Seacrest. I'm replaying that part.
James: Oh fucking no, this is going to be awful. I can't even fucking watch this.
James: You can't suck that bad, if you suck that bad security should fucking tackle you.
James: I don't even think I can keep watching this if it gets worse than that guy.
James: What's with her face. What's wrong with this girl? She's a robot. We know she's going to suck because we saw her sucking before the commercial. "What do I do? I snort meth. I ramble when I do meth" She's crazy. 'GIVE ME THE FUCKING TICKET'. That girl is going to get her own show.
James: Was that a midget? There's midgets on this show now?
James: (NC accent) 'Hey it's me the super annoying child from North Carolina' What a fucking dork. I can't watch this shit.
James: (NC accent) "Does it come with a crown? I always wanted a crown"
James: (Borat accent) 'I'm from Kosovo. We hid in a boat. Yugoslavia broke up. Those motherfuckers'
James: Hey Kelly, did you see that Jennifer Aniston didn't like her 'Rachel Cut'
James: Yoji Pop! He doesn't understand the question. (Yoji starts singing) What the fuck man.
James: She gets through, they went to her HOUSE. Okay okay, NOW there's a cancer tragedy AND they went to her house. We don't even need to see this audition. I unlocked the code. Home visit PLUS cancer EQUALS golden ticket.
James: FINAL AUDITION. Okay this guy is homeless and they go to see where he used to live? Tragedy PLUS he doesn't even have a house to visit? You know what that means. GOLDEN TICKET. THIS GUY MIGHT WIN BASED ON STORYLINE ALONE.
James: They're fraternal twins. Fraternal doesn't count. Not as interesting. It's really freaky when they're identical but one has a little thing fucked about their face, right? That's the worst.
James: The Big Easy. They're going to the Superdome.
James: They don't even have to say 'Bring on the losers' they just come... every year.
James: Oh my God! Strange Addictions is on, this woman eats cushions!
BEATRIX PLUM
Beatrix (age 2) had her first Dentist appointment this morning and she was so well behaved (she had a strange man’s fingers in her mouth) that after the visit, while I was picking up groceries, I told her ‘Get whatever you’d like’. These are the items she chose. Out of anything in the grocery store. Flowers. Shampoo. Toothpaste. What the fuck is wrong with this kid? ...
MICHAEL DOUGLAS PHOTOBOMB
“Saying you’re a ‘good cook’ is like saying ‘I’m...”
Losing Your Virginity is Public Discourse ...
Passing apartment blocks, more often than not, you’ll see at least one set of bedsheets impersonating curtains. My deepest hope is that this is a temporary solution. Perhaps they had to leave curtains in their last house, or they’ve just moved out for the first time and the Ikea trip is next Wednesday, or in my case (I did sheet curtains once. Just once, don’t judge) the...
DEPP'S FACE VS HENDRICKS' FACE
thanks!
Jealous Lea's Jealous
Jane Lynch was waiting for it.
REAL HOUSEWIVES BEVERLY HILLS
If you ever watch this show, it’s almost impossible not to pretend that Kyle and her husband Mauricio….
Are Demi Moore and John Turturro.
YOU LOOSE
“DRAMA: Would love it if another country sent astronauts to the moon to plant...”
2 tags
“Sometimes my husband isn’t being patient with my bullshit and I realize...”
1 tag
Kanye West sings the lyric 'fuckin 'dickulous'
Salinger (age 9): Does he realize that isn't a word?
1 tag
3 tags
“QUINOA IS THE NEW COUSCOUS.”
–
If Justin Bieber is 16, he's underage
And all of the websites posting photos of him and 18 year old Selena Gomez (See: Mary Kay LeTourneau) should be charged with child pornography. Except me, because I’m merely pointing the facts out.
HOW TO BUY A GUN IN CANADA, AND OTHER RATIONAL...
The majority of pro-gun Americans seem to always be chanting ‘It’s my RIGHT!’
Do these people realize that in Canada you also have the right to own a gun and ammo? IT’S TRUE!!! Oh, but I hate to tell you that your freedoms are encroached because silencers are illegal, ‘cause those are for murderers!!!!! But you do have the right to bear the arms and shoot shit up...
2 tags
Wife listening to Husband talk to himself as he...
James: He fucked her.
James: Watch this, he's going to fuck her.
James: I hate The Zipper. I got stuck in it once, upside down. It was awful.
James: This dentist girl looks like Hermey the dentist elf from Rudolph 'The Red Nose Reindeer'.
James: Soft piano.
James: This is such bullshit.
James: He doesn't know his Dad & she doesn't know her Dad, so they're probably brother and sister.
James: "Oh my God you have a Dad and I have a Dad"
James: She's a hand talker.
James: Do you know what Southern boys do at carnivals?? They fingerbang chicks. That's what's going on there.
James: There are at least 5 barf machines in that carnival.
James: Are they filming porn on this show now?
James: Kelly, if anyone ever says to you "You're psycho!" all you have to say is "No, you're psycho" and that's pretty much the best burn ever.
James: (Valley Girl) "Oh my God, it's not your birthday is it?"
James: What's wrong with her tits?
James: (Valley Girl) "Let's bring it"
James: That's Rosie O'Donnell, what the fuck is she doing there?? I can't take this.
“I like how in American movies that are set in foreign countries, the characters...”