January 2011
65 posts
I didn't think I could love her more until she...
‘Mom can you just show me on YouTube what he talked like before, so I can get a better visual?’
-Sal (age 9) on Dick Clark
Beatrix (age 2) just said her longest sentence...
James: Kelly, what do you want? The crab or the lobster? I can get both or I can get mussels... or actually all three, but I want the roasted vegetables and the smoked trout too.
Beatrix: Daddy, you have to stop and quit talking and bugging my Mama.
December 2010
50 posts
“Ashton Kutcher says he’s preparing to ‘protect his family’...”
– cute though.
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Husband and Daughter
Sal: Dad do you know what Henry just said to me?!?! He said, you don't get anything right.
James: Henry, you can't talk to your sister like that. If someone isn't doing something correctly and you know how to help them, you help them, you don't make them feel bad by putting them down.
Sal: No Dad, he said YOU don't get anything right.
“All I want to do is write a movie about Will Ferrell and his midget sister...”
–
“Why do people say ‘fat people are lazy’? Fat people get up and make...”
1 tag
1 tag
James talking to himself during Black Swan.
James: I don't know about her, but I embody both Black and White swans.
James: This is going to be one of those movies where they don't show her face and her feet in the same frame while she dances right?
James: Kelly, look at how big my muscles are.
James: Oh, oh she passed herself on the street. That's the black swan.
James: (as Portman) "Hi, I'm the girl who fucked up in my audition yesterday."
James: Kelly, I think I've seen this movie before.
James: Here he goes, that French pig. Giving it to her, oh but she bit him. That's black swan material.
James: He saw the black swan in her when she bit his lip and slapped his dink really hard.
James: Too many mirrors. That picture's eyes moved. I don't like this movie. Ew, get a meal! Why is she so skinny?
James: That's Barbara Hershey you know. (singing) She's crazy, craaaazy.
James: When is this fucking Black Swan going to show up?
James: Awww, what the fuck is wrong with this girl. I don't want to watch this. I don't want to watch this. Too gross.
James: (As Kunis) "Hurry up! I gotta shit out here!"
James: If this was a Sci-fi movie that angel would come to life. That would be sweet, if something happened.
James: (Spanish accent) "I must penetrate you"
James: There's lots of masturbating in this show.
James: Isn't that Macauley Culkin's girlfriend?
James: (Valley Girl accent) " I don't need any stuffies! I'm putting them all in the garbage. Bye you stupid stuffies!"
James: Fuckin' giver Rick. That's what that was, the 'fuckin' giver Rick' speech.
James: She has man feet.
James: There's going to be a dead swan in there. Deep fried.
James: I didn't like that at all. What was I supposed to like about that? The only part I liked was when she was masturbating with her bum in the air.
“Have you ever seen anyone seriously frown with their mouth like this? :( I mean...”
– except Chris Brown
Henry walks in the living room where My Mom is...
Henry: What are you watching?
Mom: 'How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days'
Henry: Ten Days?? That's stupid. If you swear at him non-stop you can do it in five minutes.
IKEA, THIS IS CREEPY
My mom and dad by the fire, dad looking at his...
Dad: "Mars is lined up with Mercury, Venus, the Moon, Sagittarius.."
Mom: "That's why everyone is being an idiot!"
“I have a huge fire roaring and the kids are screaming that it will be too hot...”
– eggnog for hours
Henry is watching a Japanese Anime of 'The...
Henry: Why are those cartoon kids eyes drawn so HUGE??
Me: Racism.
'WE CAN SEE YOU, ASSHOLE!'
Saw my first ‘camo in the snow’ guy today, got to yell my favorite thing.
“Had my son’s hearing tested because he’s always yelling. Turns out...”
One of my very favorite things that was photoshopped onto the Kardashian Christmas card is Patrick Bateman.
1 tag
James puts My Mom in a Straight Armbar
Mom: THAT'S A CHAKRA YOU IDIOT! AND MY COOKING ARM!
I love sleep.
Why the hell did I have insomnia last night?
We've been at my parents place for 10 minutes......
Me: Are there any extra hangers?
Mom: Yes, in your rooms.
Me: I was just in both rooms. There were no hangers.
Mom: Yeah I know I had to buy them.
Me: Oh. Well, where are they?
Mom: I didn't buy them yet.
Henry: Remember the time in Turkey when the chicken beat you at tic tac toe?
“I never want to correct my son when he says ‘pervalized’ instead of...”
Fragmented Elementary School Memories
First Grade
Giles shits on the floor in class after the teacher refuses to let him go to the bathroom.
My fingernail comes off in class, I explain to the secretary that I “MUST call my mom, because she needs to know information like this”.
My friend Sandra tells me that when men and women have sex, the man’s penis gets as hard as a rock. She tells me her mother told her this. I have a...
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Husband and Wife at Dinner
James: A new guy at my office said he liked 'Gentlemen Broncos' so I told him I could be friends with him based on that. Then I told him to watch 'Happiness' and 'Brown Bunny'
Me: That guy is never going to talk to you again.
"me, me, me, me." - blogs
Fourteen years ago I went to a Robert McKee seminar hoping I’d walk out a ‘real writer’. I’d smoke cigarette after cigarette with him outside the building at lunch, listening to his stories about Jack Nicholson, him telling me about his big breaks in Los Angeles. I was nineteen. Two years out of high school and in the ‘real world’ dating, partying, torment,...
Fact.
Those of you who have been following me since the Spring know that I’ve been working on a pilot about my life as a mom/writer etc. So the following message is for people who have just read about me.
Hi! I didn’t ‘sell my twitterfeed’.
There is a huge difference between a twitter concept being sold and a writer who tweets selling a pilot. At least, I thought there was? ...
I don't want to start a philosophical debate here,...
You know the kind of expensive restaurant that explains everything about the food to you as they serve it? The $48 an entree restaurant?
Okay, so a friend was at one of those restaurants, and when the waiter served the Steak Tartare, WAITER: “It’s like angels shitting in your mouth”
“If you aren’t smarter than your parents what’s the point to any of...”
Wife and Husband in the car.
Kelly: Look at how skinny that old man's legs are in his pants!
James: They're prosthetics.
I think this is a sign of being old, right?
So I’ve heard this girl rapper on a few albums, she sounds like a baby then she switches and sounds like a monster? And I’ve seen this girl below in photos. And I’ve read the name Nikki Minaj… So I’m putting the three together and assuming it’s the same person. I don’t even give a shit if I’m right or not. I’m just doing it.
2 tags
“WARNING: MERCURY IS GOING INTO GATORADE TOMORROW”
Just a thought
Today Wesley Snipes began serving his 3 years in jail for evading taxes. People, we need to stop putting non-violent offenders in prisons and just get them to wax cars or something. Snipes should have to wax the cars of tax-PAYERS … you know? Like how Biff ended up waxing George and Lorraine’s car in Back to the Future, after he tried to rape her?
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IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER (The Weird And Fantastic...
ARQUETTE
BYRNE LACHAPELLE
HASSELHOFF
BOWIE HOCKNEY
CROSS
BLAINE & COPPERFIELD
TENNANT
LYNCH
CROSBY
SEDARIS
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Henry and Sal in the car afterschool
Sal: What vaccinations did Bea get?
Me: All of them.
Henry: I would get a vaccination if it made you not get the Bieber Fever.
Sal: I'd totally get that one.
Not shocked.
Oh my God, Dita Von Teese poops cherries!! (addendum: I just noticed her Frenchie!)
“Blogs are the band everyone envisioned they’d have, and get to name, as a...”
Things I think while I drive
The Nissan Cube looks like a fart that’s being held in.
Looks like something a fat guy built around his La-Z-Boy recliner.
“If John Lennon was alive, I bet he’d have something crazier going than...”