February 2010
62 posts
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January 2010
35 posts
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Celeb doppelganger thing- I get these at least...
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An uninterrupted ramble by Henry
In the car on the way home from his tap dancing lesson:
Can’t I just peek into that bar? I just think maybe I could go in there and have a beer and watch hockey. Why don’t you and Dad do stuff like that? Maybe they’d think I was a midget. I don’t think midgets can drink as much as full sized men do, but they are grown-ups. It’s ridiculous, I mean, they are...
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An Open Letter to Los Angeles
Good Afternoon Dear City, I just wanted to let you know how safe I feel when I’m inside of you, because when I’m there, I’m definitely in the bottom 20% of girls who would be chosen by a rapist to rape. So thanks, I love that about you. Kelly
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A True Story about a Frog that you may not be...
When we moved into this tepee we had planned for bears, we had planned for bugs, mould, rats, mice and rain.
We hadn’t thought of frogs. !ribbit!
Who would have prepared for frogs?
It’s the damnedest thing a frog in the night (in a tepee). The ribbiting has no rhythm for the most part. You are falling asleep, half in dream half conscious !ribbit!… you wait, !ribbit! To...
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Condensed: Denise Richards on Oprah
Denise: A kid in her kindergarten class came up to her and said ‘your dad was in jail’ Oprah: Kindergarten isn’t what it used to be. Me: NOT WHEN YOUR DAD IS CHARLIE SHEEN.
Oprah: What do you think his [Charlie Sheen] anger stems from? Denise: A lot of stuff. Oprah: I just want you to know, that I know that ‘a lot of stuff’ isn’t an answer.
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Gollum + Zuul = Gary Coleman
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“I didn’t know you wrote screenplays. I thought you had to be clever to do...”
– My Gram
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I love you, please come home.
I just saw a giant hand written sign on an overpass that said:
I LOVE YOU PLEASE COME HOME I know it was probably some stupid couple, but it was beside a dog park so I kinda hope it was for a dog that can read, and that he gets the message.
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“I’ve needed eye drops from the pharmacy twice, and BOTH of these times...”
– I’m searching for meaning here
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RAMBLE
I went to LA this weekend. Here is the only photo of the trip. That’s me and Tom. His hair looks so much better than mine. It was 12:30am, and I had just eaten something that would resurface at 5am. Earlier that night we were at the VH1 Movie Awards. I emailed the kids from the show and told them a Nick Jonas was playing guitar directly below my balcony. Sweet Henry responded “Can you...
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Parent Truthism
Ripping a tooth out of your kid’s gum line and telling him to put it under his pillow so that you can sneak in there when he is sleeping and replace it with money will-never-get-less-weird.
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“Ladies, if you don’t like people rolling their eyes at you when you get...”
– me
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I did a Mom thing.
When I was a kid I’d see my Mom crying during a movie and I’d think, “How embarrassing. She has issues!” In retrospect, I was simply lacking life experience, so the movie couldn’t draw any emotion out of me. Example: Salinger and I watched “My Sister’s Keeper” I went to the bathroom four times to keep her from seeing me crying, but she didn’t...
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A Dad and his 8 year old Daughter
Dad: Can you throw this bag out for me?
Sal: Later are you going to say, 'Oh I hope there wasn't anything important in that bag'
Dad: Salinger, you have your whole life to make fun of me.
Sal: Right, so why not start now?
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Right now
Sal: The Little Mermaid is much more colorful on the case cover than on the screen.
Henry: Is this the original? Or was the original black and white. Scrooge is the oldest movie.
Sal: No it isn't.
Henry It has the most virgins.
Sal: VERSIONS.
Henry: It has the most versions, Scrooge, so it's probably the oldest movie.
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“Repairman just said my 20 yr old sub-zero fridge is worth $10k. Now I’m...”
–
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“Grams, Ounces, Kilos.
Drugs: Blending the world’s units of measurement,...”
– my pitch for a pro-drug campaign
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The Workout
35 chinups, 70 push ups, 105 squats, 400 meter row, and a 1/2 mile sprint…. I looked at the clock I had only been there for 35 minutes. I got on the scale. I’d lost 2.5 pounds in 35 minutes. Some of that was pee. But I’m convinced that most of it was my soul.
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