December 2009
48 posts
“Hey guys, HURRY! It’s the day earthlings take turns shouting numbers,...”
– ALIENS
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My Parents
Mom: My shoulder has been hurting for 3 days.
Dad: Mine has been hurting for a week.
Mom: Do you think that voodoo Doctor we met in Haiti cursed us?
Dad: DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO ME!
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An Open Letter to my Sister's Friend Marika
Hey Marika, Honey, I just need to clear something up. When I’m around you I’m awkward. I’m awkward because I say bullshit around you. I say bullshit around you because if I told you what I was really thinking we’d have a huge fight. So basically, I hate you. I don’t mind that you are loud and dominate conversations, commanding the attention of half a dozen people at a...
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The first time Fred Astaire read the lyrics to...
“Potato, potato, tomato, tomato Let’s call the whole thing off” No, no, you have to pronounce it… “PoTAYto, PoTAHto, ToMAYto, ToMAHto”
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At the Italian Market with Salinger (8) and Henry...
Butcher: Do you want to try some?
Henry: Yes.
Butcher passes Henry two pieces of roast chicken breast.
Henry folds them together and stuffs them in his mouth.
Butcher: Hey! That second piece was for your big sister!
Henry: Too slow.
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I thought his trips were my 'time off'
My husband has a Blackberry through his company and he only uses it for business, so I thought I’d buy him an iPod Touch as a gift for his travels. I filled it with movies, and music and bookmarked his favorite websites. As of day 2: My husband is only using his itouch as a vehicle to harass me for sex pics.
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An Open Letter to Dr. Phil
Afternoon Good Master Phil, Just changing the channels here when I heard you say, “When do you tell your kids that Santa is a story? How do you explain that he isn’t real?” I think you may have done just-that for a bunch of kids who are sick at home. Bad Moms leave your show on TV while they eat burritos in the kitchen.
Hypothetically, Kelly
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“Every time I listen to Rihanna sing “Russian Roulette” I see Oprah...”
– true run-on thoughts as I drove home
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An Open Letter to Nick Jr.
Good afternoon providers of child wonder, Just watching “Blue’s Clues” with my toddler when a commerical for the movie, “G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra” came on. Really? Do you guys think she’d like it?
Despite me thinking it was a bad idea, my husband took our 6 year old son Henry to see it. (“It’s a boy thing, you wouldn’t understand.”)...
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Overheard in the parking lot of the drug store
Little Kid: Mom! Get me some candy too!
Mom: Okay.
Little Kid: COUGH CANDY! GET COUGH CANDY!
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The Lady With Her Tummy In Her Pants
November 22, 2006
Henry: Look at that lady’s tummy in her PANTS! Henry is in his car seat pointing at an obese woman. Her thighs are so fat that it looks like she has has testicles the size of small bean bag chairs swaying at her knees. Kelly: Henry you cannot laugh at people’s bodies. Everyone is different. You could hurt somebody’s feelings if you talk about their body...
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“It scares me to think that despite spending 20 years of my life teaching and...”
– kelly oxford’s greatest run-on sentence
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“It’s like he was walking around with a loaded gun, I got shot.”
– woman on Oprah drawing a horrible comparison between being shot with a gun, and her ex-husband shooting her full of HIV loaded jizz .
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What did you say about your sister's ass? And...
I’ll begin by saying that my six year old son Henry rarely swears. He said shithead once after seeing some footage of Kanye West on television, and he coined “Oh for cryin’ out sakes!” but that is the extent of his blaspheme.
Tonight, Henry was propelling Nerf balls at his screaming older sister Salinger. The chaos lasted a seamless twenty minutes before something...
Favorite 3 minutes of the afternoon, courtesy of...
My dog has a bigger penis than my ex husband.
Lucky you!
I shit my pants once and I was actually sober.
I would have given you 6+ if you had been 13 and drunk when this happened.
I have a ridiculous crush on your friend Jeff Davis— considering he’s 15 years older than me.
If you are hot in the face and tight in a bikini, you’re golden in 5 years.
I fucked myself with...
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“Money can’t buy me love or happiness? Fine, give me the money.”
– kelly oxford
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WatchI left out the contractions and vagina shots, though I do have those. Every time I complain about a paper cut, sore throat or that the potatoes have gone bad too quickly - I’ll throw those clips on and remember to chill the fuck out.
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Taking the kids to Chinatown, Salinger at age 4
Salinger: So this is like they took a piece of a Chinese town and put it in our town. No one here even speaks English and people sell giant mushrooms out of newspaper on the sidewalk. This place is CRAZY.
**** down a dark alley an old man cackles out a crazy and long laugh ****
Salinger screams and grabs my leg: VAMPIRES!
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An Open Letter to America about Gays
Hey Big Brutha, Just checking in here for a minute to see if I understand how you are operating these days. I’ve heard that you aren’t allowing your gay and lesbian people the right to marry, So here’s a question a gay friend of mine brought to mind: Do gay people pay the same taxes as straight people? They don’t right? Gays have fewer rights than straights in your...
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Re-Run
Running Movie Commentary w/ My Kids
Henry: So, are they going to talk about any other planets soon? Salinger: Why are animals able to walk right away? People can’t… this is stupid. (Wolves following caribou) Salinger: Ahhhh my feast begins. (Wolf catches baby caribou) Henry: I hate this movie Henry: That bird is awesome, he has tentacles on his butt. Henry: Okay so this is the story of how the...
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“The worst part about a boring day is the part where you stay up late, hoping...”
– Kelly Oxford 12/01/09
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Husband and Wife falling asleep
Husband: What language do you think 'pronto' is derived from?
Wife: Italian.
Husband: Really?
*5 mins of silence*
Husband: When Lionel Richie sang "ALL NIGHT LOONG, ALL NIIIGHT, ALL NIGHT, ALL. NIGHT. LONG...
*begins to hump wife's leg*
Husband cont'd: Is he singing about this?
