February 2012
6 posts
REAL STUFF
I would hate this
Maybe Rooney Mara likes this new look, but it seems pretty a-typical of an actress to keep ‘in costume’ long after production is over. Is she staying like this for the next films, because she likes it or to promote the movie? Business decision either way, right? She’s gorgeous, but what the fuck is happening here. I hope she likes it. I KNOW YOU KNOW BECAUSE THE INTERNET KNOWS...
January 2012
44 posts
Bea wrote her first song.
It’s a mashup....
1 tag
Driving through a strip mall parking lot with my...
Sal: Peking House? Isn't that Chinese?
Me: Yeah.
Sal: BILL'S PEKING HOUSE? BILL? Doesn't sound very authentic.
16 tags
I hate that I like this
Sorry this is basically a sony ad, but the results ACTUALLY freaked me out. I’m sure there are a ton of these around, but this was the first I’ve seen. Stare at the red dot on her nose for 30 seconds. Look at the ceiling and blink really quickly. WHAT THE FUCK BRAIN!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK….
Beatrix, age 3, watching a Bowflex commercial.
Bea: That lady was too fat to get on that machine, but then her baby came out of her butt and now she can do it. Babies come out of butts, so that means babies are food.
2 tags
My Sister Discovers The Pleasures of Red Dead...
stephenfalk:
I’m OBSESSED w/red dead redemption. I rented it ‘for a day’ from Blockbuster and now I’m just going to buy it. It’s insanely fun. I got my horse super loyal and then accidentally ran him off a cliff hunting for deer. I honestly almost cried when I realized he was dead. I was stunned. I sat there whistling for him and being depressed at the fact that he wasn’t coming anymore...
Told by the 3 year old Beatrix
Bea: Do robots have hearts?
Me: No, they are machines.
Bea: No Mom, the golden robot from Star Wars has a heart. It's behind glass, in his chest, you're so wrong!
NBC PILOT UPDATE
PLEASE PRAY.
2 tags
My dream about Madonna. AKA: DAMN YOU MADONNA
*Group of girls, myself and Madonna are in a living room. Madonna slides into a tufted chair at the end of the room, she’s still wearing her Golden Globes dress.* Madonna: So, tell me what you admire most about me. Girl: I just think you are such a maverick. Me (I don’t want to say anything, but I do): I admire that you’ve always done what you wanted, in spite of the...
Henry watching Dolphin Tale
Henry: Oh my god. Look at how huge this fair is to save the dolphin. Don't they know how many dolphins die every day?
Henry: If I was at this fair I'd be like "dolphin died...... Another one died... Dead dolphin... Dolphin died"
4 tags
4 tags
Well, well, well, look who wants to get closer to...
2 tags
Me and Henry (age 8)
Me: Henry, what can I do to get you to like reading more?! You read really well.
Henry: I don't know, get better books?
Me: Here, this one is really good, "Henry and The Clubhouse"
Henry: You tried to get me to read that one last year by telling me Henry and his friends made drugs in the clubhouse.
Me: I did?
Henry: Yeah.
Me: What about this one? "BFG" is stands for Big Effin' Giant. What is this inscription in the book? This isn't even our book!!! It says, "DEAR JOHNNIE, I LOVED THIS BOOK WHEN I WAS 8 AND I STILL DO. MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM CHARISSE"
Henry: Where did it come from? Who the HECK IS CHARISSE?!
Me: I don't know but you are 8 and this was Johnnie and Charisse's favorite book when they were 8 and your name is Henry and Johnnie and Charisse are probably dead and will haunt you until you read it. You're reading it.
Henry: Ok.
God Bless the first commenter, Marian, on Kourtney...
“You expect any single moms to sympothize with you about finding time for your kids? You just sit around the house and do nothing and make your schedule around your child. The rest of the moms (especially single ones) have to get up early in the morning (not 10 am like u) and have to get their kids ready 4 school or daycare and then rush them off to daycare or school and go to work...
1 tag
FINALLY!!!!
Someone noticed my sly 1969 in 1997 time machine joke and sent it to me.
I
MY FUNERAL REQUEST TWEETS
I’ve been tweeting out funeral request tweets for a few years, but they seem to have just caught on. Here is a list of my requests, I don’t want you to get mine confused with anyone else’s request!!!!! I am also missing some really important requests here…. AT MY FUNERAL:
Stuff my bra for me
Play the Game Over theme from Super Mario Bros.
Have George Clooney and Ryan...
I didn’t see the monologue, but the joke was topical, it happens. There’s no way I was the only person in the world to come up with this. That said, if you google the joke, my name is all over it- so I don’t care. CNN posted a blog about my tweet, and Reddit had it all over the front page yesterday.
(In case I wasn’t clear: There is no way they ‘stole’ it. Comedy writers don’t need to...
“RIP: Casey Anthony’s Dog”
WatchHow many moments give you a new catchphrase AND your inner child??
Thank you Toddlers and Tiaras.
nerd alert
2 tags
Henry (8) and Sal (10) watching "Marie Antoinette"
Henry: So what, you just like trade your daughter to another country to stop world war two or something?
Henry: They'd better not take that pug from the girl from Spider-man. Oh my GOD they did. I hate France.
Henry: I want a feather pen.
Sal: They are really heavy and hard to write with. You have to dip them in ink. They leave blotches.
Henry: You don't think I know that stuff? I tried to make a feather pen.
Henry: Is he wearing a wig? Why is a big butt dress supposed to be fancy? Everyone likes big butts. They cannot lie. This is where the song probably came from.
Henry: Instead of kissing at the wedding they should do the chicken dance.
Henry: Are there explosions in this?
Henry: Is everyone going to watch them go to bed? Are they dying? Okay is everyone going to go in their room every night?
Henry: Uhhh (boob shot)
Henry: Did they want them to have a kid their first night together?! Um, they kinda have to know each other first. Jeez.
Henry: I can't wait to go to France and eat pastries.
Me: They're just like the ones at the patisserie.
Henry: No. They're better. Mom, it's Paris.
Henry: Do they have to make a baby here at some point? God, that would be annoying. This prince is a weirdo. He makes keys.
Sal: Why is the King with that girl? That's not the queen? Ew!
Henry: What about that pug?
Henry: They said the princess is fooling around, but the prince is never sleeping with her.
Henry: Don't walk behind that huge dress! Peacock! CA-CAWWW!!
“I keep saying I’m going to get rid of satellite tv again, but then I have this...”
Sal (10) and Bea (3)
Sal: Don't touch that, Bea. I'm serious.
Bea: I'm serious. I'm a serious baby.
WatchCarson, thank you!!!