eject

I got an early birthday present this morning.
Me: What made you choose this? It’s beautiful.
He: A girl at the store tried it on for me, she gave me a lap dance too.

Life would instantly become more interesting if there was some kind of clandestine marketing strategy that lingerie stores use on men who come in solo. Like, for the last 15 years men have been whisked into the back and girls have sold them myriads of $100 panties through lap dances and strip shows.
Maybe this is Victoria’s Secret.

After the First Thanksgiving

90 Indians turned into werewolves and had sex with all of the bare-naked teenagers.

Age 14, I willingly played Steve Urkel in improv class

I was 14 years old when a group of A list modeling agencies were holding a cattle call for potential models. It was the “Age of the Supermodel”
Here is what I looked like at 11 years old. So by 14 I had grown into my teeth a little, was 5’7” and 92 pounds. But basically I walked into the casting call looking like this.

Nice. I was so naive at this point in my life that it didn’t even occur to me that I looked ridiculous. I was a white Urkel who was DROWNING in my Mother’s size 10 Chanel knockoff houndstooth jacket and stirrup pants.

I pinned my number on my Mom’s jacket and stood in line to get on the stage.
The catwalk was a large ‘X” set up in an empty mall food court, there were thousands of people gathered to watch.

C&C Music factory started blasting right as I hit the catwalk and realized I had no idea what I was doing. So I spun, and waved and walked to the music. I made sure I took EXTRA long pause n’ poses at the end of the runways. Because there were 2 runways I got to stop 4 times. “THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE!!” ran through my head the entire time.

At the end of the runway parade, the agents thanked everyone and told us that if our number was called that we were to meet in the Manulife Tower at 4pm, 23rd floor.

One by one, the agents stood up and called out the numbers of the girls they had chosen.
My number wasn’t called.
It was 2:30pm.
I decided to go to China Express, pulled out my copy of “The Picture of Dorian Gray” and eat lo mein.
At 3:45pm I ran across the street to Manulife Tower and got on an elevator full of tall girls and Mothers carrying overflowing modeling books.

The 23rd floor was wide open. Around the periphery of the giant floor were desks and stations for all of the different agencies. There were stacks of contracts, polaroid cameras, measuring tapes and more agents.
I headed for the only table with no girls waiting in line.
It was Wilhemina Models.

“Yes?” she said
“Hi”
“What do you want?”
“I’m here to sign up.”
“Your number wasn’t called.”
“I think it was”
“I chose only 3 girls out of 400. That is why there is no line here. I know what they look like darling.”
“Maybe you like me better now that you can see me close up?”

The woman whispered “I’m sorry” through a smile.

I walked over to FORD AGENCY.

“Hi.”
The man didn’t look up, “Number?”
“1149”
“1149, 1149, 1149…. no I” and then he looked up
“I’m sure you called my number.”
“Oh honey. I’m sorry but we didn’t”
“Really? Weird! I think you should take my picture with that camera.” I pointed to the polaroid camera.
“Is your mother with you?”
“No.”
“Oh. Well, we don’t have you on this list.”
“I think you’d really like me. I work hard, I have since I was a small child. I can dance, I can act, but I can’t sing.”
A woman joined the man on the other side of the desk.
“Can you take off those glasses?”
I took off the glasses.
“Can you take off the jacket?”
I did.
“Right!” I said “You know I’m actually very very very photogenic, and my mother is small and has a great body so I will too one day.”
The woman took my photo and the man looked annoyed.
“I need to see your profile”
I stood sideways.
“Stop smiling” he said
Soldier face.
“I’ll do whatever it takes you know. I don’t even need to get braces. My teeth are perfect.”
“What is your name?”
“Kelly”
“Well Kelly, you are a little short, what are you 5’6”?”
“5’7” and I might still hit a growth spurt.”
“Do you have a book?”
“I have ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’”
“No, a book, book. A modeling portfolio.”
“No. But I can get my Mom to take a bunch of black and white and blow them up for you if you need them.”
The woman turned to the man “She is photogenic. Look at her face.”
The man looked at my face.
I remembered, soldier face.
“Here. Fill this out.” He slid and information sheet across the table.
“But promise me that you will only sign with us, and leave.”
“Done”
Two weeks later the woman called me in to meet her. She plucked my unibrow down to nothing and told me what kind of clothing to buy. She showed me how to walk in high heels and she booked my first job for Levi’s the following year… right after I willed my vision back to 20/20.

addendum- in the 90’s meth brows were just normal brows. i hate this photo.